nutshell

I made a beautiful smoothie for breakfast/lunch today. I never know if I am going to have it for breakfast or lunch at the time I make it but, I know it’s one or the other. Anyway, I had it around lunchtime today and felt amazing immediately afterwards! And then… I got sick again. Same thing that happened to me the two other times after drinking a smoothie. I thought I had it narrowed down to, too much flaxseed, however today there was no flaxseed. As I was thinking through the ingredients I realized there were no same ingredients that I have used before… other than this particular mixed bag of frozen fruit. I had an inkling to stay away from it this morning, but I really needed some frozen fruit mixed in with the other fruit. I think that frozen bag of fruit is bad! It’s like peaches, strawberries, and pineapples. Maybe someone grabbed that bag at the store at some point in time and changed their mind, only to leave it outside the freezer until it thawed and then someone else tossed it back in. Or it’s just bad fruit. Maybe the company didn’t wash it before they froze it. There are so many questions. I am going to toss them out though. I feel better now, but DAMN it really knocks me down a few pegs… I was not feeling well at all.

Once I started feeling better I immediately wanted to eat. Thats my life in a nutshell. Happy? HUNGRY! Sad? HUNGRY! Sick? Usually still Hungry, except like today when it was making me want to throw up. Feel better after being sick? HUNGRY! Happy I am no longer sick? Let’s celebrate by eating! HA. Seriously though, the cravings for bad food kicked into high gear. I wanted chicken nuggets, even though ew, so gross. But I imagined dipping them in lots of sweet and sour sauce. Then I was like spaghetti, because spaghetti is always amazing. Then I made myself take a shower to simmer down and distract me. And here I am. Cravings have left me a bit, but it’s hard. Losing weight, getting healthy, not stuffing your face all the time when that’s what you do, it’s really difficult sometimes. You have to be strong. I don’t know why, but I feel the need to explain it. I know there’s some people that will never understand it, and lucky you! It’s a real problem for me. There’s no off button. There’s either holy sh!t I have to hold myself back, or there’s the F@#k it mode, aka EAT anything and everything cuz F*&k it! And then feel horrible for doing it.

So I love food. Ha. Duh! Right? It is so amazing though. Like, why does it have to be so good? Dammit! But, food is fuel. You are what you eat. It matters. Mentally and Physically, I really believe that it plays a pretty big part in all of that.

Day 9.

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