Thoughts on … life?

What a time we live in.

Facebook makes me feel bad about myself. Like why are certain people always liking other posts, but not mine?

Why do I care?

WTF?

It’s nothing but facades. Pictures trying to prove their happiness, leaving out the truth.

Oh and the political posts… some are so mean. Don’t people realize when they call a specific group of people a horrible term, they are actually calling some of their friends and families these things? What is that all about?

Where is the common sense.

Why post this on social media?

Why post any of this.

Sometimes I think people post things to convince themselves it’s true…

“I love him so much”

“What a happy life”

“I feel so pretty” (I shall proceed to post 20 selfies of myself, because that’s normal).

I don’t think any of this is healthy.

 

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Take … Two?!

Here we go.

Healthy journey take …80. I am starting my healthy journey again for the 80th time, probably no joke. Insert backstory here, but I don’t feel like writing about it.

This anxiety *!#% isn’t helping anything. Depression #$%*. I don’t feel like writing about that right now, either. Genetics, how I was raised… blah, blah, blah. I don’t feel like writing about that either. Past experiences, all that. Blah, blah, blah.

What I do want to talk about right now is how I am going to get myself on track. I’d say back on the right track, but it’s been awhile since I’ve been on a track that is going the right way. I figured I’d lay it out here, since writing my thoughts down is something I want to do as well, lay it out as I go.

One of my biggest challenges at the moment that I want to push myself through is to try new things. Being the introvert that I am, I rather avoid such things and being home feels oooooooh soooo good.

Step 1, I am looking for some classes of some sort. Like workout sessions or classes. A personal trainer maybe.

Gathering some Paleo recipes right now for the week. Here is was I am looking at:

Rosemary Meyer Lemon Oilve Oil Cake

Sweet Potato Crust

Pumpkin Brownies

Mexican Breakfast Casserole

Egg Roll In a Bowl

Pumpkin Coffee Cake

Mushroom Risotto with Cauliflower (I am using pre-made cauliflower rice)

Anyway, here we go…

 

 

Depression wrecks havoc on my soul

It will never leave me.

It’s always there. Waiting in the shadows to attack and consume me.

Oh, and it consumes me. So fiercely and so quickly. I am usually a long ways into it already before I realize fully what hit me. It grips me so tightly sometimes I feel like I can’t breath. I feel like it will always feel like this and that thought causes a panicky feeling to sweep over me. Leaving me truly feeling despair, loneliness, sadness, hurt, frustration, and maybe even a smudge angry. Angry that it hit me again, leaving me feeling so helpless.

Then I look at the aftermath and it’s like a bomb went off, literally in my home and figuratively in my spirit, my mind.

I emerge slowly. I am tired and beat down; grabbing onto my strength, and pulling myself out.

When those clouds start to part and the sun shines in, those are the moments I realize life isn’t that bad. That it always gets better. That I’ll be OK. That I can do this.

It will happen again. Depression waits for me in the shadows.
All I can do is be honest with myself. More honest than I have ever been. I have struggled with depression for years. Giving all I can give to make it seem like everything is alright. If I can’t make it seem like everything is alright, I pull into myself and hide. No one can see me or hear me or judge me. I feel safe there.  There were times I’ve hidden too long and hard and it pushed people away.
You see the true colors of people in this life during those hardest times. You really do. As heartbreaking as it is to no longer have them all in your life, the ones that really love you never leave.

That circle of love around me seems to be getting smaller and smaller. I can’t help but think that even though true friends and people that love you stick by you, are always there for you, what about those others? They don’t understand what is going on and might assume you are being a bad friend, sister, daughter, aunt, coworker. Maybe it weighs on their mind that you pulled away from them for no reason that they can see or understand.

I can’t worry about all of that. I can only do the best I can and learn so I can grow, so I can heal.

That’s where I am at. Still healing. Still learning. Still growing.

So the next time depression strikes from the darkness, I will understand a little more what to do and how to allow myself to feel. So the next time, and then the next time, I can deal with it better and better.