Take … Two?!

Here we go.

Healthy journey take …80. I am starting my healthy journey again for the 80th time, probably no joke. Insert backstory here, but I don’t feel like writing about it.

This anxiety *!#% isn’t helping anything. Depression #$%*. I don’t feel like writing about that right now, either. Genetics, how I was raised… blah, blah, blah. I don’t feel like writing about that either. Past experiences, all that. Blah, blah, blah.

What I do want to talk about right now is how I am going to get myself on track. I’d say back on the right track, but it’s been awhile since I’ve been on a track that is going the right way. I figured I’d lay it out here, since writing my thoughts down is something I want to do as well, lay it out as I go.

One of my biggest challenges at the moment that I want to push myself through is to try new things. Being the introvert that I am, I rather avoid such things and being home feels oooooooh soooo good.

Step 1, I am looking for some classes of some sort. Like workout sessions or classes. A personal trainer maybe.

Gathering some Paleo recipes right now for the week. Here is was I am looking at:

Rosemary Meyer Lemon Oilve Oil Cake

Sweet Potato Crust

Pumpkin Brownies

Mexican Breakfast Casserole

Egg Roll In a Bowl

Pumpkin Coffee Cake

Mushroom Risotto with Cauliflower (I am using pre-made cauliflower rice)

Anyway, here we go…

 

 

Advertisements

Depression wrecks havoc on my soul

It will never leave me.

It’s always there. Waiting in the shadows to attack and consume me.

Oh, and it consumes me. So fiercely and so quickly. I am usually a long ways into it already before I realize fully what hit me. It grips me so tightly sometimes I feel like I can’t breath. I feel like it will always feel like this and that thought causes a panicky feeling to sweep over me. Leaving me truly feeling despair, loneliness, sadness, hurt, frustration, and maybe even a smudge angry. Angry that it hit me again, leaving me feeling so helpless.

Then I look at the aftermath and it’s like a bomb went off, literally in my home and figuratively in my spirit, my mind.

I emerge slowly. I am tired and beat down; grabbing onto my strength, and pulling myself out.

When those clouds start to part and the sun shines in, those are the moments I realize life isn’t that bad. That it always gets better. That I’ll be OK. That I can do this.

It will happen again. Depression waits for me in the shadows.
All I can do is be honest with myself. More honest than I have ever been. I have struggled with depression for years. Giving all I can give to make it seem like everything is alright. If I can’t make it seem like everything is alright, I pull into myself and hide. No one can see me or hear me or judge me. I feel safe there.  There were times I’ve hidden too long and hard and it pushed people away.
You see the true colors of people in this life during those hardest times. You really do. As heartbreaking as it is to no longer have them all in your life, the ones that really love you never leave.

That circle of love around me seems to be getting smaller and smaller. I can’t help but think that even though true friends and people that love you stick by you, are always there for you, what about those others? They don’t understand what is going on and might assume you are being a bad friend, sister, daughter, aunt, coworker. Maybe it weighs on their mind that you pulled away from them for no reason that they can see or understand.

I can’t worry about all of that. I can only do the best I can and learn so I can grow, so I can heal.

That’s where I am at. Still healing. Still learning. Still growing.

So the next time depression strikes from the darkness, I will understand a little more what to do and how to allow myself to feel. So the next time, and then the next time, I can deal with it better and better.

 

Light Bulb Moment

I had a realization the other day. Something clicked. That moment made me feel peacefulness,  happiness and excitement for the now. I will try to explain…

I will be respectful, but my job is not to make everyone happy. My job is to be my true self. That is so freeing to actually understand this and what it means. What this means to me is having healthy boundaries. It means self care. A healthy sense of self.

It’s a heavy burden trying to please everyone. You can’t! It cannot be done. Scenario that I’ve been through before, probably more times than I care to admit, “I think I said something in a way that offended someone! Now what?” If your intentions are true and good, that’s all that matters. It’s their responsibility to come to you and communicate if it offended them. You can listen to their feelings. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings. If you were malicious, yes you will and probably should feel bad. Just don’t be a jerk. lol.

I can do the things I need, want, and that are good for me. Yes, really! it’s a great feeling, it’s not selfish!. Yes, someone might have an opinion on what they want me to do or think I should do, but in the end I need to do what is good for me and what I need. I don’t need to worry about anything else. As long as it’s not malicious and not with bad intent. Yes, it’s really that simple. Sure, there are different circumstances and situations… but when it comes to your self… that’s when those boundaries kick in. That is when you step up and take care of you.

You can read self help books and see the words that people felt, but actually understanding the connection and feeling that true understanding and wisdom is up to you and takes work. That always frustrated me. I never got that. People would share their experiences and say this or that or give this advice or recommend this book and they were all just words to me until I went through the process. Until I tried, worked hard, (continuing to work hard), and pushed through the pain. I Allowed my mind to open and learn while accepting myself for everything I am, faults and all. That helped me understand all of those pieces are important and what make me. Where those pieces of advice go. This helps me focus on what I want to change and continue to work on.

I am learning to be good to myself. I’m just as important as anyone else, why in the world have I been pushing myself last for so long? Keeping my opinions to myself? Why is his opinion better or more important than mine? Why are her feelings more important than mine? I need to be strong for myself first and for most. True to myself. I deserve it.

I can’t tell you what a tremendous burden has been lifted now that I am beginning to understand all of these pieces and how they fit. The pieces are slowly starting to come together. Those words now mean action to me, helping me move positive changes into my life.

I am getting it.

Hello my old friend

More attention has been swarming around depression. I hope these discussions never stop. Unfortunately after the dust settles it seems people forget and move on. Until it happens again and again. “It” is another suicide in the headlines.

What is mind boggling for me is to see how much we lack proper mental health care help and opportunities in this country. I remember not too long ago a healthcare facility that I work with eliminated their mental health department in the hospital. Um, what?! And I remember getting the courage to ask where those potential patients will go that need to be there. The answer, jokingly of course, “Why, are you looking for where you’ll need to go?” Um, what? I nervously laughed it off and that was the end of that. Right there sums up the general reaction and feelings towards mental health care. Again, um WHAT?! I still wonder why they eliminated this care and where these patients are supposed to go. This is just a small example of a growing problem. Most of these homeless people I have seen in larger cities are in need of placement in a facility for mental health either for brief treatment and medication or permanent. It is so sad it breaks my heart. Jails and prisons are full of people that are in dire need of mental health care. We just locked them away and forget about it.

Ok, so we don’t have many places for people to go. The places and treatment options that are available, are they affordable? What do most people end up doing? They self medicate. Either knowingly or unknowingly. They do drugs or they drink more (or in my case eat, eat, eat more) than they should. What other option do they have to escape these horrible, debilitating feeling of darkness?

I recently started seeing a counselor again. I have a good job and I have insurance. This is still expensive for me. I would rather not have to give out this additional money that I could use to pay off other debts. Seriously. What do others do that make less than me and have little or no insurance? I am sure there are programs. Let’s advertise them more and talk about them more if there are. Let’s advertise the hell out of it so when someone feels darkness creeping up they know exactly where to turn and how.  Not knowing how or where to start is something that stops many. I know it has stopped me before.

Mental health is the real deal. It needs to be taken more seriously by society. Understood better. No more sweeping it under the rug expecting it to just go away. It is not a sign of weakness.

People handle it in many different ways. The biggest smiles often tend to hide the most hurt.

 

 

 

 

 

HAES

Health at Every Size…

A movement.

This has been intriguing me for awhile. I joined a private Facebook group that’s all about that. I had no idea what it was all about at that time, (still filling wrapping my head around it). I would see random postings from it appearing in my newsfeed. I didn’t fully understand it at first. Now I’m paying attention more and I plan on researching it lots. 

This moment is all about supporting people in adopting health habits for the sake of health and well-being. No focus on weight control. No diets, no obsessing or judging. They support each other on how to deal with a society where most people are trying to lose weight and obsess about every calorie, diets, pounds lost, etc. 

It’s all very positive and accepting. It’s hard to wrap my mind around it because my focus has always been about weight. About food. This is interesting. 

Work in progress 

Success-ish!

My entire place is almost 100% clean and organized. Just a few more boxes to go through and a trip or two to drop donations off. I have to admit it’s feeling pretty good. Weight loss? Not so much yet. I feel it’s coming. All of these things I’m doing to work on myself to grow, heal, and all that… it’s all coming into an alignment. I feel it’s all coming together. It’s interconnected and intertwined and all that. But I’ll be coming out renewed and awesome on the other side.

I didn’t forget…

I’m still here…

I haven’t felt like posting…

I’m struggle on this weight loss thing, but I’ll get there.

Until next time…

💜

Age … it’s really just a number 

Spare bedroom … getting there

Garage … getting there

The rest of my place is there!

Now to keep it that way. 

I feel as though I’m finally growing up… I don’t feel my age. Never have, never will. I don’t act it. And I don’t look it. It’s always taken me a little longer. Like this adulting thing. I think I might be getting the hang of it. Ya, I’m in my 30s, what? 😂

Speaking of being in my 30s… wtf? Why is time going by so fast? And it keeps going by faster, seriously. And you under 30 year olds, even under 20 year olds… 30 something isn’t as old as you think. I don’t feel old. I don’t feel any different. Lol 😂 but, I don’t wish I was younger. I am good right where I’m at. I wouldn’t go back and do any of it over. It was tough. Growing mentally. Wow, I sure thought I knew it all, or at least enough when I was younger. I’m realizing I didn’t and still don’t know it all, not even close. I was in such a hurry to go, go, go. I learned a lot of things the hard way. I wouldn’t change any of it because it help make me who I am. 

One piece of advice I’d offer to anyone that might listen, is really keep an open mind when someone older offers you advice, they have been where you are at one time. I would usually let it all go in one ear and out the other. I am trying to really listen and absorb any advice or wisdom 😉  I have nephews and a niece and I pick up the vibe that they don’t think I have good, relatable advice. I’m trying to figure out how to be who I needed when I was their age, but I find myself lecturing more than anything and that’s not what I’m intending, lol. And I feel for them. They are all pretty much teenagers. Those years are hard! Maybe not for everyone? But for me, very hard.