Pieces of me

This song got stuck in my head after I named my blog. Gosh I loved jewel back in the day.

I am a true ambivalent, but heavy on the introvert.

There’s nothing more lovely than canceled plans and time alone. However, I find that I avoid and get out of plans so often, I end up feeling sorry for myself that no one is inviting me out. Even though 2 hours earlier I was invited somewhere and I said I was busy. What the actual @#!#, right? It’s a real struggle. When I do go out, I can certainly appear a bit outgoing. Then I am exhausted or fixating on every detail and worried I said or did something wrong, replaying it back in my head. It’s exhausting. As I type this out I see why I cancel and avoid plans. It’s a whole to do. I am exhausted just thinking about it. On top of it all, throw my anxiety in the mix, and it’s pretty special. By pretty special, I mean pretty exhausting. Pretty… something.

I feel like a super complex person. The more I try to figure myself out the more I seem to uncover.

Maybe this is needless to say, but even going to the gym or going out to lunch with friends can take a little time for me to talk myself into it. I am a bit better these days. A lot of things can still be a bit of a struggle. As you can see, this plays a part in why I’d rather be home.

Sometimes I wonder if I am too judge-y of people. I know full well none of us are perfect, not a one. Some of the things I judge on I have done or do. Does it make me feel better? I don’t think so. Do I think I am better? No. Are they hurting me personally with these actions? I don’t think so. Why do I think I need to judge? I have no idea.


I want to stop evaluating things so deeply. I want to not pick up on these things. I don’t want “gut feelings” about things anymore. I want to be blind and numb to these things. I think life would be easier.

OMG, and I care. I care hard. I feel hard. I feel other things people are going through. It makes me teary eyed easily. Or happy. I feel what they feel. I am a very empathetic person.

It’s all kind of exhausting.




Random AF… welcome to my brain

I hardly did anything today. I guess it’s just one of those days. Instead of feeling guilty, I will let it go. Instead of being mad at myself, I will be understanding. Instead of thinking about how lazy I am, I will forgive myself for not wanting to do anything today. I think I want to try to be kinder to myself. Much like I’d be with a friend. Instead of my own worst enemy and my own worst critic. I think I will try to be more patient and more understanding.

So ya, I’m having one of those days.

Some things that I did do:

Read a lot and did a lot of research on obesity.

Ate a healthy breakfast.

Ate a healthy lunch.

Made a healthier snack/dessert option.

Why did I research obesity? You may be curious. Well, honestly, this weight thing has been getting me down. I have been trying to kick it’s ass for awhile, but it always ends up kicking mine. It’s frustrating. No, it’s beyond frustrating! So, I figured I will just throw myself into as much knowledge as possible about it until something clicks or something works for me. When I get all these pieces and place them where there need to be, maybe that is what I need. Then maybe one day I can help someone else that feels this way.

I was a skinny kid. Depression and anxiety introduced their nastiness to me when I was 14, (anxiety crept in a littler earlier and got heavier as time went on). Introduced themselves hard. I remember I packed on a little weight around the time I wouldn’t leave the house for weeks. Enough for those sweet girls in my class to tease me about it when I finally went back to school. I think I weighed 145 pounds? Oh to weigh 145 pounds again! I think I got up to 155 at one point, not sure. Then around the age of 20 I got down to 135. I was that weight about 2-3 years and then the extra weight slowly crept on. I think by the age of 25 I got up to 190. Got down to 175 at one point for a bit. Then got back up to 190 for awhile. 230 was my next “average weight” for awhile. Now I go between 275 and 255, it’s been that way for the last 3 years. I don’t want it to EVER creep past 275. I am at 265 now. I so badly want to see that scale go down, down, down. I picked 199 for my first goal weight. I want to be 199 so very badly. I would be under 200 pounds for the first time in 5 years! If I can go beyond 199 at some point and time, great. That’s not for me to worry about right now. I want to hit my goal of 199 first. I have been struggling for so long that it feels like this glorious piece of  beautiful warm sunshine that I keep getting further and further away from.

So, back to my point on why I’ve been submerging myself into learning about obesity. Let’s back up for a second again… only very recently have I admitted to myself that I have an actual problem. That I can’t stop overeating. That I am not at a healthy weight. Like, I have really been working on being truly honest with myself. What is that honesty? I am miserable. I don’t want to travel in planes. I don’t want to go places with my skinny friends. I am tired of forcing myself to rise above all the negativity and just accept myself. Because for me personally, this is not where I want to be, and it’s all exhausting to pretend. It’s a struggle every single day and it kicks my ass. I have to hide that. So that I can smile and appear OK. I am tired.

A lot of times in my life I worry about speaking my truth. I dont’t want to offend or make people upset. I realized though, and I want to draw the point home that this is my journey, my life, my honesty, and my truth.

I watched a documentary last night, well some of it. It was pretty hardcore. I had to not look a lot of the time because I cannot handle the sight of someone getting a shot, let alone getting cut open. The documentary had some good insights and other pieces that made it worth watching to me. Knowing the actual extent of the things that obesity does to your body is a good eye opening experience.

Obesity: The Postmortem. On Netflix.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you, if you do decide to watch it. I mean, yes we know being overweight isn’t healthy. We know we don’t choose this. We know some people that are struggling harder than others for other reasons. I think it’s important to know the truth. About the damage it causes. Both mentally and physically, and that’s the tricky part! Sometimes the mental part causes the physical part. We need to realize that it’s something we need to help people with, not just look away and accept it as the new normal. Yes, we are all beautiful. Each and every one of us. But the fact of the matter is, it’s not healthy.

I am also diving into and gathering information on healthy food and the benefits of healthy foods. This is my other tacit on getting myself off this overeating business. Yes, we know veggies, fruit, proteins, organic foods are healthy. Yes, we know process food is bad and lots of sugar is bad. Then that’s the extent of where most people let their minds go. When they slip and go back into old bad habits, it’s like, “oh well”. But when you start to realize just how damaging it all is, it takes it to a different level.

I want to get myself healed. I want to get myself to the point of using foods for  health. I want to use it for healing. Eat food for it’s nourishment and ability to cure. Instead of the way I am and have been using it, which has been damaging on many levels.



Hello my old friend

More attention has been swarming around depression. I hope these discussions never stop. Unfortunately after the dust settles it seems people forget and move on. Until it happens again and again. “It” is another suicide in the headlines.

What is mind boggling for me is to see how much we lack proper mental health care help and opportunities in this country. I remember not too long ago a healthcare facility that I work with eliminated their mental health department in the hospital. Um, what?! And I remember getting the courage to ask where those potential patients will go that need to be there. The answer, jokingly of course, “Why, are you looking for where you’ll need to go?” Um, what? I nervously laughed it off and that was the end of that. Right there sums up the general reaction and feelings towards mental health care. Again, um WHAT?! I still wonder why they eliminated this care and where these patients are supposed to go. This is just a small example of a growing problem. Most of these homeless people I have seen in larger cities are in need of placement in a facility for mental health either for brief treatment and medication or permanent. It is so sad it breaks my heart. Jails and prisons are full of people that are in dire need of mental health care. We just locked them away and forget about it.

Ok, so we don’t have many places for people to go. The places and treatment options that are available, are they affordable? What do most people end up doing? They self medicate. Either knowingly or unknowingly. They do drugs or they drink more (or in my case eat, eat, eat more) than they should. What other option do they have to escape these horrible, debilitating feeling of darkness?

I recently started seeing a counselor again. I have a good job and I have insurance. This is still expensive for me. I would rather not have to give out this additional money that I could use to pay off other debts. Seriously. What do others do that make less than me and have little or no insurance? I am sure there are programs. Let’s advertise them more and talk about them more if there are. Let’s advertise the hell out of it so when someone feels darkness creeping up they know exactly where to turn and how.  Not knowing how or where to start is something that stops many. I know it has stopped me before.

Mental health is the real deal. It needs to be taken more seriously by society. Understood better. No more sweeping it under the rug expecting it to just go away. It is not a sign of weakness.

People handle it in many different ways. The biggest smiles often tend to hide the most hurt.






Something’s to self care 

At least 4 things that…

I’m thankful for


Positive things about myself 

And to remember 



Another day to try harder

Clean water

Roof over my head


I deserve respect

I’m important too 

My opinions matter

It’s ok to make mistakes, everyone does


Today is another chance at doing my best

I don’t have to tone down my true self

Not everyone will like you, and that’s ok

Don’t focus on the past, be in the present 

Deep thoughts and struggling moments 

It still bothers me that people assume things and then continue to form their opinions and judgments on what they assume. Typically people don’t assume good intent. My last relationship was abusive. Mentally and at times it got physical. There was a lot going on in my mind. I know I had and still have a lot of things to work on, however I lost friendships because of that toxic relationship. I didn’t spend time with or had much contact with my friends or family. I generally don’t have much and haven’t had much contact with my family anyway, but that’s another story. I guess I should say I had even less contact with them.

Anyway, for some reason I’m most bothered by a specific person at the moment. I reached out to her awhile back as I began my healing from my last relationship and I apologized to her for pushing her away and not talking to her. I tried to explain what I could, but I didn’t, at that point, understand it all myself and I’m still learning. So how could I explain it to her? Anyway she didn’t seem to really get it and basically told me not to ever do that to her again. Then my ex and I were having contact again and things got unhealthy as usual, and I lost contact with her again a little. Basically I know I wasn’t a good friend, but I wasn’t in a good place. I have some friends that were and are always there for me no matter how far away they live and how often we talk. But not her. I guess I just need to move on and cut ties, but it bothers me. I’ll see her every now and then and the first time I saw her at a concert she wasn’t happy that I didn’t tell her I was going. Well she didn’t tell me she was going either. It’s just frustrating. It’s not the easiest to make friends in general for me and as I get older it’s even more difficult. I have a lot of friends where we’ve been friends for a very long time. I am fortune in that sense. 

I also tried to make peace with my ex boyfriend before the recent ex. Because him and I were just starting to work on a friendship and I allowed my toxic bf at the time to destroy every piece of that and seclude me. I regret that. And I tried to reach out and apologize for that too. But that failed and is failing too.

The effects of a toxic relationship lasts well after the the relationship is over. I think there’s a lot of pieces that just need to be left in the past in order to move on. I don’t think there’s away to pick up all the pieces and fix them. Perhaps that’s just part of the healing and growing…. painfully learning a lesson like losing friendships and such. 

As I mentioned, that toxic relationship brought many things to light for me. I realized there are reasons I allowed it and got caught up in it. I’m not by any means excusing the fact he should have never done or said the things he did to me, it was wrong. I am saying, as I try to understand why I stayed in a relationship like that for 2 years, it brought some things to light for me. Like my anxiety, depression, my past, my childhood, my dad, my brother, my mom, my sisters. There are many pieces to this healing thing and I’ve realized I need some guidance on how. I’ve decided to reach out to a counselor. This won’t be the first time that I have, but it’s been a long time. And I don’t recall any past attempts being very successful. 

This time I’m ready to put work into this, more so than I’ve ever done. I’m doing my homework and research on the things I can do to make it successful. 

Today is day 20 of my weight lost journey. Its super slow moving. I’ve been struggling mentally big time. I will not give up on trying. 


If pictures are worth a thousand words… how much are pictures with words worth?

Today, these pictures sum up where I came from, where I am, and where I want to be.

Day 13

Online dating, GTFO

Beginning of this year sometime, I decided to go back on dating sites. Not a single person really interested me. I felt very skeptical of anyone and everyone. I blocked more men than I can even begin to tell you. Why did I block them? It didn’t take much. Usually a bad vibe or something I considered a red flag. It was easier blocking them right away, as soon as I felt I wouldn’t be interested, because it was easier to make them think I simply disappeared. For all they knew I deleted my account. Basically it was easier than telling them I wasn’t interested or ignoring their desperate pleas. Speaking of desperate, omg seriously, so – many – desperate – men out there. If it was all of that, or if it was me deciding I wasn’t ready to go back out there, I am not sure which was a bigger factor… but I am now off of the dating sites. Not feeling it. Nope. Oh also the guys that want a one nighter… so many of those. Gross. Block.

Oh, I should mention there was one guy that did pique my interest. We talked for a little while and moved to text,  but then there were so many red flags. I am too nice and have always been that way. Being too nice to back out was no longer an option. I pulled my big girl pants up and told him straight up that I was not interested. I threw out there that I wasn’t ready.

Then there’s another guy. Oh… I bet you’re interested in the red flags. I can’t even begin to list them off and still walk away with my head held high after I am finished with this blog. So I won’t get into all that.

I don’t know what I am doing. So that tells me I am not ready to be doing it.

Anyway, 2nd guy. Still texting him. But that has pretty much fizzled out. There was a lot of caution tape on that one. Still is. I think he lost interest in me. Which brings me to the next obstacle for me…

My weight.

I am real and upfront about it. Learning how to be anyway. Of course we all want to put our best selves out there for the best possible first impression. I often feel my pictures are too good or fool them. So I overcompensate if you will, in a way, by making it very clear that I am quite curvaceous. The my booty aint no joke. I think I overdo it, where it makes them feel I am self conscious, that I don’t like myself. I just don’t want that dreaded moment when we meet that they are let down. So maybe I am self conscious. Or maybe I am bitter and assume all will judge me.

See, I am not ready.

Ya, the right person won’t care about my weight. Ya, the right person will love me for who I am. Ya Ya Ya. I know. I get that.

My ex was oh so, so such a bad person for me. To me. That I am hyperaware of everyone. But again, too bitter? Too worried? Too much luggage? Too picky?

This is hard.

I am not ready. I hope I am ready one day. But I know it’s not today.


Little Girl Blue

  • Wear shorts comfortably.
  • Look at my reflection in the mirror without seeing a tummy flab.

These are two of the things I am most excited about when I hit my goal weight. It seems vain now that I type it out. The most important reason to want to be fit should be to be healthy. Don’t get me wrong, big can beautiful. All shapes and sizes are beautiful. I’m not just saying that either. People with true love for themselves can bring it. Being proud of who you are is an amazing and sexy thing. I am not those things. I’ve often been depressed. Which in turn makes me feel like not doing anything other than eating, laying around, and watching TV.

< – Depressed – Tired – Low Energy – Anxiety – Sad – Loneliness – Bad Food Choices – More Bad Food Choices – Continued Bad Food Choices – Increased Cravings for Bad Food Choices – Weight Gain – FRUSTRATION – More Depressed – Agitated – Crabby – Irritable – > Drink A Little More Than Usual -> Crave Even More Bad Food ->

This is a cycle I get wrapped up in constantly. Eventually I see the “light”, in a sense; start pulling myself out of the hole of despair and start to slowly see the realization that I need to make better choices to get on a better path.

<- Start Exercising – Drink More Water – Stop Eating Fast Food – Stop Eating Processed Foods – Pick Up More Organic Food – Lowering Carb Intake – Sleeping More -Thinking Positive Thoughts – Reducing Stress – Start Feeling Better – Start Losing Weight – Start Feeling Even Better -> Treat Myself With Kindness -> More Positive Thoughts ->

And then…  it happens all over again. Deep depression for about 1 solid day. Pull myself out of that, and then…

< – Depressed – Tired – Low Energy – Anxiety – Sad – Loneliness – Bad Food Choices – More Bad Food Choices – Continued Bad Food Choices – Increased Cravings for Bad Food Choices – Weight Gain – FRUSTRATION – More Depressed – Agitated – Crabby – Irritable – >

I’ve been growing more aware of this cycle as I get older. I am not sure if these symptoms have gotten worse with age or if I am more aware. I’ve been bad at taking care of myself up until lately. Mentally and Physically.

There’s a WHOLE lot of healing and learning that’s been going on in this 2016.

Where am I at this moment in those crazy cycles that I explained above?

Almost the good one… trying by:

  • Currently exercising again
  • Drinking more water
  • Trying to get more sleep (I was struggling with that all last week. I was getting 4 hours tops, a night. I slept amazing last night though, 8 hours!)
  • Thinking good things
  • Feeling good vibes
  • Staying positive

… Oh and listening to some good music 😉