Hello my old friend

More attention has been swarming around depression. I hope these discussions never stop. Unfortunately after the dust settles it seems people forget and move on. Until it happens again and again. “It” is another suicide in the headlines.

What is mind boggling for me is to see how much we lack proper mental health care help and opportunities in this country. I remember not too long ago a healthcare facility that I work with eliminated their mental health department in the hospital. Um, what?! And I remember getting the courage to ask where those potential patients will go that need to be there. The answer, jokingly of course, “Why, are you looking for where you’ll need to go?” Um, what? I nervously laughed it off and that was the end of that. Right there sums up the general reaction and feelings towards mental health care. Again, um WHAT?! I still wonder why they eliminated this care and where these patients are supposed to go. This is just a small example of a growing problem. Most of these homeless people I have seen in larger cities are in need of placement in a facility for mental health either for brief treatment and medication or permanent. It is so sad it breaks my heart. Jails and prisons are full of people that are in dire need of mental health care. We just locked them away and forget about it.

Ok, so we don’t have many places for people to go. The places and treatment options that are available, are they affordable? What do most people end up doing? They self medicate. Either knowingly or unknowingly. They do drugs or they drink more (or in my case eat, eat, eat more) than they should. What other option do they have to escape these horrible, debilitating feeling of darkness?

I recently started seeing a counselor again. I have a good job and I have insurance. This is still expensive for me. I would rather not have to give out this additional money that I could use to pay off other debts. Seriously. What do others do that make less than me and have little or no insurance? I am sure there are programs. Let’s advertise them more and talk about them more if there are. Let’s advertise the hell out of it so when someone feels darkness creeping up they know exactly where to turn and how.  Not knowing how or where to start is something that stops many. I know it has stopped me before.

Mental health is the real deal. It needs to be taken more seriously by society. Understood better. No more sweeping it under the rug expecting it to just go away. It is not a sign of weakness.

People handle it in many different ways. The biggest smiles often tend to hide the most hurt.







Something’s to self care 

At least 4 things that…

I’m thankful for


Positive things about myself 

And to remember 



Another day to try harder

Clean water

Roof over my head


I deserve respect

I’m important too 

My opinions matter

It’s ok to make mistakes, everyone does


Today is another chance at doing my best

I don’t have to tone down my true self

Not everyone will like you, and that’s ok

Don’t focus on the past, be in the present 

Deep thoughts and struggling moments 

It still bothers me that people assume things and then continue to form their opinions and judgments on what they assume. Typically people don’t assume good intent. My last relationship was abusive. Mentally and at times it got physical. There was a lot going on in my mind. I know I had and still have a lot of things to work on, however I lost friendships because of that toxic relationship. I didn’t spend time with or had much contact with my friends or family. I generally don’t have much and haven’t had much contact with my family anyway, but that’s another story. I guess I should say I had even less contact with them.

Anyway, for some reason I’m most bothered by a specific person at the moment. I reached out to her awhile back as I began my healing from my last relationship and I apologized to her for pushing her away and not talking to her. I tried to explain what I could, but I didn’t, at that point, understand it all myself and I’m still learning. So how could I explain it to her? Anyway she didn’t seem to really get it and basically told me not to ever do that to her again. Then my ex and I were having contact again and things got unhealthy as usual, and I lost contact with her again a little. Basically I know I wasn’t a good friend, but I wasn’t in a good place. I have some friends that were and are always there for me no matter how far away they live and how often we talk. But not her. I guess I just need to move on and cut ties, but it bothers me. I’ll see her every now and then and the first time I saw her at a concert she wasn’t happy that I didn’t tell her I was going. Well she didn’t tell me she was going either. It’s just frustrating. It’s not the easiest to make friends in general for me and as I get older it’s even more difficult. I have a lot of friends where we’ve been friends for a very long time. I am fortune in that sense. 

I also tried to make peace with my ex boyfriend before the recent ex. Because him and I were just starting to work on a friendship and I allowed my toxic bf at the time to destroy every piece of that and seclude me. I regret that. And I tried to reach out and apologize for that too. But that failed and is failing too.

The effects of a toxic relationship lasts well after the the relationship is over. I think there’s a lot of pieces that just need to be left in the past in order to move on. I don’t think there’s away to pick up all the pieces and fix them. Perhaps that’s just part of the healing and growing…. painfully learning a lesson like losing friendships and such. 

As I mentioned, that toxic relationship brought many things to light for me. I realized there are reasons I allowed it and got caught up in it. I’m not by any means excusing the fact he should have never done or said the things he did to me, it was wrong. I am saying, as I try to understand why I stayed in a relationship like that for 2 years, it brought some things to light for me. Like my anxiety, depression, my past, my childhood, my dad, my brother, my mom, my sisters. There are many pieces to this healing thing and I’ve realized I need some guidance on how. I’ve decided to reach out to a counselor. This won’t be the first time that I have, but it’s been a long time. And I don’t recall any past attempts being very successful. 

This time I’m ready to put work into this, more so than I’ve ever done. I’m doing my homework and research on the things I can do to make it successful. 

Today is day 20 of my weight lost journey. Its super slow moving. I’ve been struggling mentally big time. I will not give up on trying. 

Online dating, GTFO

Beginning of this year sometime, I decided to go back on dating sites. Not a single person really interested me. I felt very skeptical of anyone and everyone. I blocked more men than I can even begin to tell you. Why did I block them? It didn’t take much. Usually a bad vibe or something I considered a red flag. It was easier blocking them right away, as soon as I felt I wouldn’t be interested, because it was easier to make them think I simply disappeared. For all they knew I deleted my account. Basically it was easier than telling them I wasn’t interested or ignoring their desperate pleas. Speaking of desperate, omg seriously, so – many – desperate – men out there. If it was all of that, or if it was me deciding I wasn’t ready to go back out there, I am not sure which was a bigger factor… but I am now off of the dating sites. Not feeling it. Nope. Oh also the guys that want a one nighter… so many of those. Gross. Block.

Oh, I should mention there was one guy that did pique my interest. We talked for a little while and moved to text,  but then there were so many red flags. I am too nice and have always been that way. Being too nice to back out was no longer an option. I pulled my big girl pants up and told him straight up that I was not interested. I threw out there that I wasn’t ready.

Then there’s another guy. Oh… I bet you’re interested in the red flags. I can’t even begin to list them off and still walk away with my head held high after I am finished with this blog. So I won’t get into all that.

I don’t know what I am doing. So that tells me I am not ready to be doing it.

Anyway, 2nd guy. Still texting him. But that has pretty much fizzled out. There was a lot of caution tape on that one. Still is. I think he lost interest in me. Which brings me to the next obstacle for me…

My weight.

I am real and upfront about it. Learning how to be anyway. Of course we all want to put our best selves out there for the best possible first impression. I often feel my pictures are too good or fool them. So I overcompensate if you will, in a way, by making it very clear that I am quite curvaceous. The my booty aint no joke. I think I overdo it, where it makes them feel I am self conscious, that I don’t like myself. I just don’t want that dreaded moment when we meet that they are let down. So maybe I am self conscious. Or maybe I am bitter and assume all will judge me.

See, I am not ready.

Ya, the right person won’t care about my weight. Ya, the right person will love me for who I am. Ya Ya Ya. I know. I get that.

My ex was oh so, so such a bad person for me. To me. That I am hyperaware of everyone. But again, too bitter? Too worried? Too much luggage? Too picky?

This is hard.

I am not ready. I hope I am ready one day. But I know it’s not today.


Little Girl Blue

  • Wear shorts comfortably.
  • Look at my reflection in the mirror without seeing a tummy flab.

These are two of the things I am most excited about when I hit my goal weight. It seems vain now that I type it out. The most important reason to want to be fit should be to be healthy. Don’t get me wrong, big can beautiful. All shapes and sizes are beautiful. I’m not just saying that either. People with true love for themselves can bring it. Being proud of who you are is an amazing and sexy thing. I am not those things. I’ve often been depressed. Which in turn makes me feel like not doing anything other than eating, laying around, and watching TV.

< – Depressed – Tired – Low Energy – Anxiety – Sad – Loneliness – Bad Food Choices – More Bad Food Choices – Continued Bad Food Choices – Increased Cravings for Bad Food Choices – Weight Gain – FRUSTRATION – More Depressed – Agitated – Crabby – Irritable – > Drink A Little More Than Usual -> Crave Even More Bad Food ->

This is a cycle I get wrapped up in constantly. Eventually I see the “light”, in a sense; start pulling myself out of the hole of despair and start to slowly see the realization that I need to make better choices to get on a better path.

<- Start Exercising – Drink More Water – Stop Eating Fast Food – Stop Eating Processed Foods – Pick Up More Organic Food – Lowering Carb Intake – Sleeping More -Thinking Positive Thoughts – Reducing Stress – Start Feeling Better – Start Losing Weight – Start Feeling Even Better -> Treat Myself With Kindness -> More Positive Thoughts ->

And then…  it happens all over again. Deep depression for about 1 solid day. Pull myself out of that, and then…

< – Depressed – Tired – Low Energy – Anxiety – Sad – Loneliness – Bad Food Choices – More Bad Food Choices – Continued Bad Food Choices – Increased Cravings for Bad Food Choices – Weight Gain – FRUSTRATION – More Depressed – Agitated – Crabby – Irritable – >

I’ve been growing more aware of this cycle as I get older. I am not sure if these symptoms have gotten worse with age or if I am more aware. I’ve been bad at taking care of myself up until lately. Mentally and Physically.

There’s a WHOLE lot of healing and learning that’s been going on in this 2016.

Where am I at this moment in those crazy cycles that I explained above?

Almost the good one… trying by:

  • Currently exercising again
  • Drinking more water
  • Trying to get more sleep (I was struggling with that all last week. I was getting 4 hours tops, a night. I slept amazing last night though, 8 hours!)
  • Thinking good things
  • Feeling good vibes
  • Staying positive

… Oh and listening to some good music 😉