Often times my place has been a disaster. So much so that I have to make sure no one drops by unexpectedly.
I’ve canceled plans because of not feeling like I could get it all done before someone came over. It’s made me feel overwhelmed.
When it’s clean and organized I feel amazing. I have yet to keep it that way.
I have very rarely had my entire place clean and organized at the same time. There’s always a room or closest or cubboard or drawer (all of these or a couple of these at once) that’s off limits hiding the stuff I don’t know what to do with or don’t feel like going through. Much like the Monica closet on friends. 😂
I feel like this an outward display of what’s going on with me inside. I’m busy hurrying up and hiding the parts that aren’t healed, instead of taking the time to heal those parts. That way I have nothing to hide from anyone.
I feel like my weight personally, is the same thing. Its a complex accumulation of things I’m not dealing with, don’t know how to deal with, or don’t even realize there are certain things need to be dealt with.
I am absolutely not trying to offend any one. These my own thoughts that I have had about my own self.
Back to organzing, cleaning, and throwing out things.
WordPress has informed me that it’s been one year since I’ve signed up on here. It would be amazing to report that I have lost all the weight that I set out to lose when I originally started this blog. In my defense my true goal at the time was to heal and grow from an abusive relationship, and then lose weight. I have restarted this blog several times and there have been periods of time where I did not write anything in it. I do believe this is the longest I have kept up with it. I do not have any weight-loss to report at this time. I do think I am down again but nothing significant. I’m still on the yo-yo thing. I’m about where I was a week after I originally restarted this. I hope to report some weight-loss next week.
My goal is to keep on keeping on. I’m trying not to feel a little bit bogged down by the fact that it has been a year since I started this blog. I really don’t have too much to report on from a year ago other than my ex is now completely out of my life, so actually that is a huge success. There was a lot of off and on BS for a little bit. And I continue to heal. I need to keep focused on the positive things that are happening. This is my journey, no one else’s. Mine might take longer than others, but that doesn’t matter.
At least 4 things that…
I’m thankful for
Positive things about myself
And to remember
Another day to try harder
Roof over my head
I deserve respect
I’m important too
My opinions matter
It’s ok to make mistakes, everyone does
Today is another chance at doing my best
I don’t have to tone down my true self
Not everyone will like you, and that’s ok
Don’t focus on the past, be in the present
I’m going to be completely honest, ever since I completely put my last relationship and contact with my ex in the past and behind me a couple months ago, I’ve been struggling. I lost some friendships and apparently, and well obviously to some, you can’t just snap you’re fingers and get that all back and make everything ok, happy, and smooth again. It’s been a struggle every step of the way. I was so low today I had the urge to contact him. I won’t. But this is when I’d used to give in, during these weak moments. He was always there for me. Mentally and physically abusive, but there for me. I am completely aware of how that sounds. My close friends don’t live near, the ones that do have full families, married and kids, I don’t have these things. I am not close with my family. We don’t call and talk on the phone. Any contact is because I initiate it. I literally have myself to depend on and that is all most of the time lately. I want to be strong, but let’s face it, some days are harder than others and it would be nice to be able to lean on someone to take some of the weight off.
I usually don’t feel this way, I can usually be hopeful and push through, but it’s hard sometimes. It gets heavy.
I lost one of my weight loss buddies. He apparently start dating someone, and lost interest in it/me? Which is weird. I never thought of us as more than anything other than friends.
My other weight loss buddy has been sick and busy with life.
Neither of these two have as much weight to lose as me.
Day 15 – I could have eaten better, but I did get out and move and walk and lift some weights.
Today marks day 7 and the official weigh in day. I am down 3.2 pounds. Cheat days and all! I know it won’t always be that way. It seems the more you need to lose the easier it comes off at first. Today was a massive cheat day. I started it out with pancakes and all kinds of other naughty things. Some homemade nachos where thrown in the mix today as well as some ice cream.
Some would say I was horrible. Some might say it happens, roll with it. Some might say try a little more discipline. Some of you are right. The struggle is real for me. Yes I could have done a better job of holding myself back today, but I am still learning. My inner voice is a smooth mother f#@%er right now. I talked myself right into not giving a F$%#. I am learning. I am being honest as I am journaling through it. I do realize things as I type them out sometimes. Listen, this losing weight thing is an entire process and I am going to learn all I can from it and grow as much as I can on the way.
In all honesty I haven’t had a clue how to do any of this the healthy way. It’s always been a struggle. If I wasn’t too busy feeling self conscious of myself and my body I was too busy restricting myself or doing all the wrong things to lose the weight. I’ve been skinny, but I didn’t get there by doing it the “right” way. I had an, I barely ate phase. I’ve had, a let’s purge my food phase. When I wasn’t doing those things I’d gain weight and be made fun of, even though it wasn’t much weight that I’d gain, I’d gain it fast. And those are just my late teen and early twenty years.
I’ve battled depression for almost all of my life. I’ve had bouts of depression where I didn’t leave my bedroom as a young teenager. You gain weight pretty fast when you don’t move.
Anyway, enough about all that. Now that I am able to be completely honest with myself, I think I can finally do this. I think that’s the first step. There’s a lot of things that I’ve been really real about this last year. It was a hard year. It was. I am thankful in away, for that bullsh!t toxic relationship that ended a year ago, because it really threw me into a whirlwind of self-improvement between then and now. I still have a long ways to go, but I am truly getting there.