Something’s to self care 

At least 4 things that…

I’m thankful for

And 

Positive things about myself 

And to remember 

Today:

Fridays 

Another day to try harder

Clean water

Roof over my head

And 

I deserve respect

I’m important too 

My opinions matter

It’s ok to make mistakes, everyone does

And

Today is another chance at doing my best

I don’t have to tone down my true self

Not everyone will like you, and that’s ok

Don’t focus on the past, be in the present 

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Online dating, GTFO

Beginning of this year sometime, I decided to go back on dating sites. Not a single person really interested me. I felt very skeptical of anyone and everyone. I blocked more men than I can even begin to tell you. Why did I block them? It didn’t take much. Usually a bad vibe or something I considered a red flag. It was easier blocking them right away, as soon as I felt I wouldn’t be interested, because it was easier to make them think I simply disappeared. For all they knew I deleted my account. Basically it was easier than telling them I wasn’t interested or ignoring their desperate pleas. Speaking of desperate, omg seriously, so – many – desperate – men out there. If it was all of that, or if it was me deciding I wasn’t ready to go back out there, I am not sure which was a bigger factor… but I am now off of the dating sites. Not feeling it. Nope. Oh also the guys that want a one nighter… so many of those. Gross. Block.

Oh, I should mention there was one guy that did pique my interest. We talked for a little while and moved to text,  but then there were so many red flags. I am too nice and have always been that way. Being too nice to back out was no longer an option. I pulled my big girl pants up and told him straight up that I was not interested. I threw out there that I wasn’t ready.

Then there’s another guy. Oh… I bet you’re interested in the red flags. I can’t even begin to list them off and still walk away with my head held high after I am finished with this blog. So I won’t get into all that.

I don’t know what I am doing. So that tells me I am not ready to be doing it.

Anyway, 2nd guy. Still texting him. But that has pretty much fizzled out. There was a lot of caution tape on that one. Still is. I think he lost interest in me. Which brings me to the next obstacle for me…

My weight.

I am real and upfront about it. Learning how to be anyway. Of course we all want to put our best selves out there for the best possible first impression. I often feel my pictures are too good or fool them. So I overcompensate if you will, in a way, by making it very clear that I am quite curvaceous. The my booty aint no joke. I think I overdo it, where it makes them feel I am self conscious, that I don’t like myself. I just don’t want that dreaded moment when we meet that they are let down. So maybe I am self conscious. Or maybe I am bitter and assume all will judge me.

See, I am not ready.

Ya, the right person won’t care about my weight. Ya, the right person will love me for who I am. Ya Ya Ya. I know. I get that.

My ex was oh so, so such a bad person for me. To me. That I am hyperaware of everyone. But again, too bitter? Too worried? Too much luggage? Too picky?

This is hard.

I am not ready. I hope I am ready one day. But I know it’s not today.