It will never leave me.
It’s always there. Waiting in the shadows to attack and consume me.
Oh, and it consumes me. So fiercely and so quickly. I am usually a long ways into it already before I realize fully what hit me. It grips me so tightly sometimes I feel like I can’t breath. I feel like it will always feel like this and that thought causes a panicky feeling to sweep over me. Leaving me truly feeling despair, loneliness, sadness, hurt, frustration, and maybe even a smudge angry. Angry that it hit me again, leaving me feeling so helpless.
Then I look at the aftermath and it’s like a bomb went off, literally in my home and figuratively in my spirit, my mind.
I emerge slowly. I am tired and beat down; grabbing onto my strength, and pulling myself out.
When those clouds start to part and the sun shines in, those are the moments I realize life isn’t that bad. That it always gets better. That I’ll be OK. That I can do this.
It will happen again. Depression waits for me in the shadows.
All I can do is be honest with myself. More honest than I have ever been. I have struggled with depression for years. Giving all I can give to make it seem like everything is alright. If I can’t make it seem like everything is alright, I pull into myself and hide. No one can see me or hear me or judge me. I feel safe there. There were times I’ve hidden too long and hard and it pushed people away.
You see the true colors of people in this life during those hardest times. You really do. As heartbreaking as it is to no longer have them all in your life, the ones that really love you never leave.
That circle of love around me seems to be getting smaller and smaller. I can’t help but think that even though true friends and people that love you stick by you, are always there for you, what about those others? They don’t understand what is going on and might assume you are being a bad friend, sister, daughter, aunt, coworker. Maybe it weighs on their mind that you pulled away from them for no reason that they can see or understand.
I can’t worry about all of that. I can only do the best I can and learn so I can grow, so I can heal.
That’s where I am at. Still healing. Still learning. Still growing.
So the next time depression strikes from the darkness, I will understand a little more what to do and how to allow myself to feel. So the next time, and then the next time, I can deal with it better and better.