Depression wrecks havoc on my soul

It will never leave me.

It’s always there. Waiting in the shadows to attack and consume me.

Oh, and it consumes me. So fiercely and so quickly. I am usually a long ways into it already before I realize fully what hit me. It grips me so tightly sometimes I feel like I can’t breath. I feel like it will always feel like this and that thought causes a panicky feeling to sweep over me. Leaving me truly feeling despair, loneliness, sadness, hurt, frustration, and maybe even a smudge angry. Angry that it hit me again, leaving me feeling so helpless.

Then I look at the aftermath and it’s like a bomb went off, literally in my home and figuratively in my spirit, my mind.

I emerge slowly. I am tired and beat down; grabbing onto my strength, and pulling myself out.

When those clouds start to part and the sun shines in, those are the moments I realize life isn’t that bad. That it always gets better. That I’ll be OK. That I can do this.

It will happen again. Depression waits for me in the shadows.
All I can do is be honest with myself. More honest than I have ever been. I have struggled with depression for years. Giving all I can give to make it seem like everything is alright. If I can’t make it seem like everything is alright, I pull into myself and hide. No one can see me or hear me or judge me. I feel safe there.  There were times I’ve hidden too long and hard and it pushed people away.
You see the true colors of people in this life during those hardest times. You really do. As heartbreaking as it is to no longer have them all in your life, the ones that really love you never leave.

That circle of love around me seems to be getting smaller and smaller. I can’t help but think that even though true friends and people that love you stick by you, are always there for you, what about those others? They don’t understand what is going on and might assume you are being a bad friend, sister, daughter, aunt, coworker. Maybe it weighs on their mind that you pulled away from them for no reason that they can see or understand.

I can’t worry about all of that. I can only do the best I can and learn so I can grow, so I can heal.

That’s where I am at. Still healing. Still learning. Still growing.

So the next time depression strikes from the darkness, I will understand a little more what to do and how to allow myself to feel. So the next time, and then the next time, I can deal with it better and better.

 

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Hello my old friend

More attention has been swarming around depression. I hope these discussions never stop. Unfortunately after the dust settles it seems people forget and move on. Until it happens again and again. “It” is another suicide in the headlines.

What is mind boggling for me is to see how much we lack proper mental health care help and opportunities in this country. I remember not too long ago a healthcare facility that I work with eliminated their mental health department in the hospital. Um, what?! And I remember getting the courage to ask where those potential patients will go that need to be there. The answer, jokingly of course, “Why, are you looking for where you’ll need to go?” Um, what? I nervously laughed it off and that was the end of that. Right there sums up the general reaction and feelings towards mental health care. Again, um WHAT?! I still wonder why they eliminated this care and where these patients are supposed to go. This is just a small example of a growing problem. Most of these homeless people I have seen in larger cities are in need of placement in a facility for mental health either for brief treatment and medication or permanent. It is so sad it breaks my heart. Jails and prisons are full of people that are in dire need of mental health care. We just locked them away and forget about it.

Ok, so we don’t have many places for people to go. The places and treatment options that are available, are they affordable? What do most people end up doing? They self medicate. Either knowingly or unknowingly. They do drugs or they drink more (or in my case eat, eat, eat more) than they should. What other option do they have to escape these horrible, debilitating feeling of darkness?

I recently started seeing a counselor again. I have a good job and I have insurance. This is still expensive for me. I would rather not have to give out this additional money that I could use to pay off other debts. Seriously. What do others do that make less than me and have little or no insurance? I am sure there are programs. Let’s advertise them more and talk about them more if there are. Let’s advertise the hell out of it so when someone feels darkness creeping up they know exactly where to turn and how.  Not knowing how or where to start is something that stops many. I know it has stopped me before.

Mental health is the real deal. It needs to be taken more seriously by society. Understood better. No more sweeping it under the rug expecting it to just go away. It is not a sign of weakness.

People handle it in many different ways. The biggest smiles often tend to hide the most hurt.

 

 

 

 

 

To be honest… confessions of a honest girl

Often times my place has been a disaster. So much so that I have to make sure no one drops by unexpectedly. 

I’ve canceled plans because of not feeling like I could get it all done before someone came over. It’s made me feel overwhelmed.

When it’s clean and organized I feel amazing. I have yet to keep it that way. 

I have very rarely had my entire place clean and organized at the same time. There’s always a room or closest or cubboard or drawer (all of these or a couple of these at once) that’s off limits hiding the stuff I don’t know what to do with or don’t feel like going through. Much like the Monica closet on friends. 😂

I feel like this an outward display of what’s going on with me inside. I’m busy hurrying up and hiding the parts that aren’t healed, instead of taking the time to heal those parts. That way I have nothing to hide from anyone.

I feel like my weight personally, is the same thing. Its a complex accumulation of things I’m not dealing with, don’t know how to deal with, or don’t even realize there are certain things need to be dealt with.

I am absolutely not trying to offend any one. These my own thoughts that I have had about my own self.

Back to organzing, cleaning, and throwing out things.

Day 28

Deep thoughts and struggling moments 

It still bothers me that people assume things and then continue to form their opinions and judgments on what they assume. Typically people don’t assume good intent. My last relationship was abusive. Mentally and at times it got physical. There was a lot going on in my mind. I know I had and still have a lot of things to work on, however I lost friendships because of that toxic relationship. I didn’t spend time with or had much contact with my friends or family. I generally don’t have much and haven’t had much contact with my family anyway, but that’s another story. I guess I should say I had even less contact with them.

Anyway, for some reason I’m most bothered by a specific person at the moment. I reached out to her awhile back as I began my healing from my last relationship and I apologized to her for pushing her away and not talking to her. I tried to explain what I could, but I didn’t, at that point, understand it all myself and I’m still learning. So how could I explain it to her? Anyway she didn’t seem to really get it and basically told me not to ever do that to her again. Then my ex and I were having contact again and things got unhealthy as usual, and I lost contact with her again a little. Basically I know I wasn’t a good friend, but I wasn’t in a good place. I have some friends that were and are always there for me no matter how far away they live and how often we talk. But not her. I guess I just need to move on and cut ties, but it bothers me. I’ll see her every now and then and the first time I saw her at a concert she wasn’t happy that I didn’t tell her I was going. Well she didn’t tell me she was going either. It’s just frustrating. It’s not the easiest to make friends in general for me and as I get older it’s even more difficult. I have a lot of friends where we’ve been friends for a very long time. I am fortune in that sense. 

I also tried to make peace with my ex boyfriend before the recent ex. Because him and I were just starting to work on a friendship and I allowed my toxic bf at the time to destroy every piece of that and seclude me. I regret that. And I tried to reach out and apologize for that too. But that failed and is failing too.

The effects of a toxic relationship lasts well after the the relationship is over. I think there’s a lot of pieces that just need to be left in the past in order to move on. I don’t think there’s away to pick up all the pieces and fix them. Perhaps that’s just part of the healing and growing…. painfully learning a lesson like losing friendships and such. 

As I mentioned, that toxic relationship brought many things to light for me. I realized there are reasons I allowed it and got caught up in it. I’m not by any means excusing the fact he should have never done or said the things he did to me, it was wrong. I am saying, as I try to understand why I stayed in a relationship like that for 2 years, it brought some things to light for me. Like my anxiety, depression, my past, my childhood, my dad, my brother, my mom, my sisters. There are many pieces to this healing thing and I’ve realized I need some guidance on how. I’ve decided to reach out to a counselor. This won’t be the first time that I have, but it’s been a long time. And I don’t recall any past attempts being very successful. 

This time I’m ready to put work into this, more so than I’ve ever done. I’m doing my homework and research on the things I can do to make it successful. 

Today is day 20 of my weight lost journey. Its super slow moving. I’ve been struggling mentally big time. I will not give up on trying. 

It gets heavy

I’m going to be completely honest, ever since I completely put my last relationship and contact with my ex in the past and behind me a couple months ago, I’ve been struggling. I lost some friendships and apparently, and well obviously to some, you can’t just snap you’re fingers and get that all back and make everything ok, happy, and smooth again. It’s been a struggle every step of the way. I was so low today I had the urge to contact him. I won’t. But this is when I’d used to give in, during these weak moments. He was always there for me. Mentally and physically abusive, but there for me. I am completely aware of how that sounds. My close friends don’t live near, the ones that do have full families, married and kids, I don’t have these things. I am not close with my family. We don’t call and talk on the phone. Any contact is because I initiate it. I literally have myself to depend on and that is all most of the time lately. I want to be strong, but let’s face it, some days are harder than others and it would be nice to be able to lean on someone to take some of the weight off.

I usually don’t feel this way, I can usually be hopeful and push through, but it’s hard sometimes. It gets heavy.

I lost one of my weight loss buddies. He apparently start dating someone, and lost interest in it/me? Which is weird. I never thought of us as more than anything other than friends.

My other weight loss buddy has been sick and busy with life.

Neither of these two have as much weight to lose as me.

Day 15 – I could have eaten better, but I did get out and move and walk and lift some weights.

 

Summary

If pictures are worth a thousand words… how much are pictures with words worth?

Today, these pictures sum up where I came from, where I am, and where I want to be.

Day 13

3.2

Today marks day 7 and the official weigh in day. I am down 3.2 pounds. Cheat days and all! I know it won’t always be that way. It seems the more you need to lose the easier it comes off at first. Today was a massive cheat day. I started it out with pancakes and all kinds of other naughty things. Some homemade nachos where thrown in the mix today as well as some ice cream.

Some would say I was horrible. Some might say it happens, roll with it. Some might say try a little more discipline. Some of you are right. The struggle is real for me. Yes I could have done a better job of holding myself back today, but I am still learning. My inner voice is a smooth mother f#@%er right now. I talked myself right into not giving a F$%#. I am learning. I am being honest as I am journaling through it. I do realize things as I type them out sometimes. Listen, this losing weight thing is an entire process and I am going to learn all I can from it and grow as much as I can on the way.

In all honesty I haven’t had a clue how to do any of this the healthy way. It’s always been a struggle. If I wasn’t too busy feeling self conscious of myself and my body I was too busy restricting myself or doing all the wrong things to lose the weight. I’ve been skinny, but I didn’t get there by doing it the “right” way. I had an, I barely ate phase. I’ve had, a let’s purge my food phase. When I wasn’t doing those things I’d gain weight and be made fun of, even though it wasn’t much weight that I’d gain, I’d gain it fast. And those are just my late teen and early twenty years.

I’ve battled depression for almost all of my life. I’ve had bouts of depression where I didn’t leave my bedroom as a young teenager. You gain weight pretty fast when you don’t move.

Anyway, enough about all that. Now that I am able to be completely honest with myself, I think I can finally do this. I think that’s the first step. There’s a lot of things that I’ve been really real about this last year. It was a hard year. It was. I am thankful in away, for that bullsh!t toxic relationship that ended a year ago, because it really threw me into a whirlwind of self-improvement between then and now. I still have a long ways to go, but I am truly getting there.

Little Girl Blue

  • Wear shorts comfortably.
  • Look at my reflection in the mirror without seeing a tummy flab.

These are two of the things I am most excited about when I hit my goal weight. It seems vain now that I type it out. The most important reason to want to be fit should be to be healthy. Don’t get me wrong, big can beautiful. All shapes and sizes are beautiful. I’m not just saying that either. People with true love for themselves can bring it. Being proud of who you are is an amazing and sexy thing. I am not those things. I’ve often been depressed. Which in turn makes me feel like not doing anything other than eating, laying around, and watching TV.

< – Depressed – Tired – Low Energy – Anxiety – Sad – Loneliness – Bad Food Choices – More Bad Food Choices – Continued Bad Food Choices – Increased Cravings for Bad Food Choices – Weight Gain – FRUSTRATION – More Depressed – Agitated – Crabby – Irritable – > Drink A Little More Than Usual -> Crave Even More Bad Food ->

This is a cycle I get wrapped up in constantly. Eventually I see the “light”, in a sense; start pulling myself out of the hole of despair and start to slowly see the realization that I need to make better choices to get on a better path.

<- Start Exercising – Drink More Water – Stop Eating Fast Food – Stop Eating Processed Foods – Pick Up More Organic Food – Lowering Carb Intake – Sleeping More -Thinking Positive Thoughts – Reducing Stress – Start Feeling Better – Start Losing Weight – Start Feeling Even Better -> Treat Myself With Kindness -> More Positive Thoughts ->

And then…  it happens all over again. Deep depression for about 1 solid day. Pull myself out of that, and then…

< – Depressed – Tired – Low Energy – Anxiety – Sad – Loneliness – Bad Food Choices – More Bad Food Choices – Continued Bad Food Choices – Increased Cravings for Bad Food Choices – Weight Gain – FRUSTRATION – More Depressed – Agitated – Crabby – Irritable – >

I’ve been growing more aware of this cycle as I get older. I am not sure if these symptoms have gotten worse with age or if I am more aware. I’ve been bad at taking care of myself up until lately. Mentally and Physically.

There’s a WHOLE lot of healing and learning that’s been going on in this 2016.

Where am I at this moment in those crazy cycles that I explained above?

Almost the good one… trying by:

  • Currently exercising again
  • Drinking more water
  • Trying to get more sleep (I was struggling with that all last week. I was getting 4 hours tops, a night. I slept amazing last night though, 8 hours!)
  • Thinking good things
  • Feeling good vibes
  • Staying positive

… Oh and listening to some good music 😉