Work in progress 

Success-ish!

My entire place is almost 100% clean and organized. Just a few more boxes to go through and a trip or two to drop donations off. I have to admit it’s feeling pretty good. Weight loss? Not so much yet. I feel it’s coming. All of these things I’m doing to work on myself to grow, heal, and all that… it’s all coming into an alignment. I feel it’s all coming together. It’s interconnected and intertwined and all that. But I’ll be coming out renewed and awesome on the other side.

To be honest… confessions of a honest girl

Often times my place has been a disaster. So much so that I have to make sure no one drops by unexpectedly. 

I’ve canceled plans because of not feeling like I could get it all done before someone came over. It’s made me feel overwhelmed.

When it’s clean and organized I feel amazing. I have yet to keep it that way. 

I have very rarely had my entire place clean and organized at the same time. There’s always a room or closest or cubboard or drawer (all of these or a couple of these at once) that’s off limits hiding the stuff I don’t know what to do with or don’t feel like going through. Much like the Monica closet on friends. 😂

I feel like this an outward display of what’s going on with me inside. I’m busy hurrying up and hiding the parts that aren’t healed, instead of taking the time to heal those parts. That way I have nothing to hide from anyone.

I feel like my weight personally, is the same thing. Its a complex accumulation of things I’m not dealing with, don’t know how to deal with, or don’t even realize there are certain things need to be dealt with.

I am absolutely not trying to offend any one. These my own thoughts that I have had about my own self.

Back to organzing, cleaning, and throwing out things.

Day 28

Wednesday’s are bushleague

Le Sigh ~

Wednesday’s are not my favorite day of the week. There are usually too many meetings, but there’s always at least this particular one that is guaranteed to happen on Wednesday. It is a hour long, but it feels like 3 hours. Nothing good about it. On top of it, people are awful in general as normal. 

Feeling exhausted now. 

So I wanted to dive into food to soothe my woes, and I did, partially, I somewhat held myself back, so that was an improvement. Still a bit of a cheat day though. 

I’m spent.

24 days in. 

Monday Monday 

Day twenty two.

Happy Monday. Well I hit it pretty decently today. Fitbit challenge with a couple friends and doing pretty well.

Breakfast: sausage 

Lunch: mushroom and Swiss burger 

Dinner: panera bread pick two – green goodness Cobb salad and cup of turkey chili 

Snacks: trail mix with fruit 

Deep thoughts and struggling moments 

It still bothers me that people assume things and then continue to form their opinions and judgments on what they assume. Typically people don’t assume good intent. My last relationship was abusive. Mentally and at times it got physical. There was a lot going on in my mind. I know I had and still have a lot of things to work on, however I lost friendships because of that toxic relationship. I didn’t spend time with or had much contact with my friends or family. I generally don’t have much and haven’t had much contact with my family anyway, but that’s another story. I guess I should say I had even less contact with them.

Anyway, for some reason I’m most bothered by a specific person at the moment. I reached out to her awhile back as I began my healing from my last relationship and I apologized to her for pushing her away and not talking to her. I tried to explain what I could, but I didn’t, at that point, understand it all myself and I’m still learning. So how could I explain it to her? Anyway she didn’t seem to really get it and basically told me not to ever do that to her again. Then my ex and I were having contact again and things got unhealthy as usual, and I lost contact with her again a little. Basically I know I wasn’t a good friend, but I wasn’t in a good place. I have some friends that were and are always there for me no matter how far away they live and how often we talk. But not her. I guess I just need to move on and cut ties, but it bothers me. I’ll see her every now and then and the first time I saw her at a concert she wasn’t happy that I didn’t tell her I was going. Well she didn’t tell me she was going either. It’s just frustrating. It’s not the easiest to make friends in general for me and as I get older it’s even more difficult. I have a lot of friends where we’ve been friends for a very long time. I am fortune in that sense. 

I also tried to make peace with my ex boyfriend before the recent ex. Because him and I were just starting to work on a friendship and I allowed my toxic bf at the time to destroy every piece of that and seclude me. I regret that. And I tried to reach out and apologize for that too. But that failed and is failing too.

The effects of a toxic relationship lasts well after the the relationship is over. I think there’s a lot of pieces that just need to be left in the past in order to move on. I don’t think there’s away to pick up all the pieces and fix them. Perhaps that’s just part of the healing and growing…. painfully learning a lesson like losing friendships and such. 

As I mentioned, that toxic relationship brought many things to light for me. I realized there are reasons I allowed it and got caught up in it. I’m not by any means excusing the fact he should have never done or said the things he did to me, it was wrong. I am saying, as I try to understand why I stayed in a relationship like that for 2 years, it brought some things to light for me. Like my anxiety, depression, my past, my childhood, my dad, my brother, my mom, my sisters. There are many pieces to this healing thing and I’ve realized I need some guidance on how. I’ve decided to reach out to a counselor. This won’t be the first time that I have, but it’s been a long time. And I don’t recall any past attempts being very successful. 

This time I’m ready to put work into this, more so than I’ve ever done. I’m doing my homework and research on the things I can do to make it successful. 

Today is day 20 of my weight lost journey. Its super slow moving. I’ve been struggling mentally big time. I will not give up on trying.