One Day, 741 Carbs & 119g Sugar

A Typical “Cheat” Day, by GypsyWild.

P.S. Sometimes there could be 2 doughnuts or 2-3 beers, etc.

P.S.S.  Sometimes I would have more than one of these cheat days in a week.

P.S.S. I am sticking to around 16 carbs a day now and no sugar.

A Bag Of Doritos
1800 calories
204g carbs
12g sugar
2160mg sodium
96g fat

Jar Of Creamy Spinach Dip
650 calories
60g fat
3000mg sodium
30g carbs
10g sugar

A Frozen Pizza
2500 calories
90g fat
40g saturated fat
5200mg sodium
280g carbs
30g sugar

Doughnut, Chocolate Frosted
280 calories
16g fat
340mg sodium
34g carbs
14g sugar

Candy bar
280 calories
14g fat
140mg sodium
35g carbs
30g sugar

Beer
20 calories
4g carbs
4g sugar

Bottle of red wine
635 calories
30mg sodium
20g carbs

Big Breakfast With Hot Cakes, Fast food
1090 calories
56g fat
2150mg sodium
111g carbs
17g sugar

Breakfast Burrito, Fast Food
290 calories
15g fat
800mg sodium
26g carbs
2g sugar

I started thinking back to my, “cheat” days. I decided to look up the nutritional information. Wow.

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Random AF… welcome to my brain

I hardly did anything today. I guess it’s just one of those days. Instead of feeling guilty, I will let it go. Instead of being mad at myself, I will be understanding. Instead of thinking about how lazy I am, I will forgive myself for not wanting to do anything today. I think I want to try to be kinder to myself. Much like I’d be with a friend. Instead of my own worst enemy and my own worst critic. I think I will try to be more patient and more understanding.

So ya, I’m having one of those days.

Some things that I did do:

Read a lot and did a lot of research on obesity.

Ate a healthy breakfast.

Ate a healthy lunch.

Made a healthier snack/dessert option.

Why did I research obesity? You may be curious. Well, honestly, this weight thing has been getting me down. I have been trying to kick it’s ass for awhile, but it always ends up kicking mine. It’s frustrating. No, it’s beyond frustrating! So, I figured I will just throw myself into as much knowledge as possible about it until something clicks or something works for me. When I get all these pieces and place them where there need to be, maybe that is what I need. Then maybe one day I can help someone else that feels this way.

I was a skinny kid. Depression and anxiety introduced their nastiness to me when I was 14, (anxiety crept in a littler earlier and got heavier as time went on). Introduced themselves hard. I remember I packed on a little weight around the time I wouldn’t leave the house for weeks. Enough for those sweet girls in my class to tease me about it when I finally went back to school. I think I weighed 145 pounds? Oh to weigh 145 pounds again! I think I got up to 155 at one point, not sure. Then around the age of 20 I got down to 135. I was that weight about 2-3 years and then the extra weight slowly crept on. I think by the age of 25 I got up to 190. Got down to 175 at one point for a bit. Then got back up to 190 for awhile. 230 was my next “average weight” for awhile. Now I go between 275 and 255, it’s been that way for the last 3 years. I don’t want it to EVER creep past 275. I am at 265 now. I so badly want to see that scale go down, down, down. I picked 199 for my first goal weight. I want to be 199 so very badly. I would be under 200 pounds for the first time in 5 years! If I can go beyond 199 at some point and time, great. That’s not for me to worry about right now. I want to hit my goal of 199 first. I have been struggling for so long that it feels like this glorious piece of  beautiful warm sunshine that I keep getting further and further away from.

So, back to my point on why I’ve been submerging myself into learning about obesity. Let’s back up for a second again… only very recently have I admitted to myself that I have an actual problem. That I can’t stop overeating. That I am not at a healthy weight. Like, I have really been working on being truly honest with myself. What is that honesty? I am miserable. I don’t want to travel in planes. I don’t want to go places with my skinny friends. I am tired of forcing myself to rise above all the negativity and just accept myself. Because for me personally, this is not where I want to be, and it’s all exhausting to pretend. It’s a struggle every single day and it kicks my ass. I have to hide that. So that I can smile and appear OK. I am tired.

A lot of times in my life I worry about speaking my truth. I dont’t want to offend or make people upset. I realized though, and I want to draw the point home that this is my journey, my life, my honesty, and my truth.

I watched a documentary last night, well some of it. It was pretty hardcore. I had to not look a lot of the time because I cannot handle the sight of someone getting a shot, let alone getting cut open. The documentary had some good insights and other pieces that made it worth watching to me. Knowing the actual extent of the things that obesity does to your body is a good eye opening experience.

Obesity: The Postmortem. On Netflix.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you, if you do decide to watch it. I mean, yes we know being overweight isn’t healthy. We know we don’t choose this. We know some people that are struggling harder than others for other reasons. I think it’s important to know the truth. About the damage it causes. Both mentally and physically, and that’s the tricky part! Sometimes the mental part causes the physical part. We need to realize that it’s something we need to help people with, not just look away and accept it as the new normal. Yes, we are all beautiful. Each and every one of us. But the fact of the matter is, it’s not healthy.

I am also diving into and gathering information on healthy food and the benefits of healthy foods. This is my other tacit on getting myself off this overeating business. Yes, we know veggies, fruit, proteins, organic foods are healthy. Yes, we know process food is bad and lots of sugar is bad. Then that’s the extent of where most people let their minds go. When they slip and go back into old bad habits, it’s like, “oh well”. But when you start to realize just how damaging it all is, it takes it to a different level.

I want to get myself healed. I want to get myself to the point of using foods for  health. I want to use it for healing. Eat food for it’s nourishment and ability to cure. Instead of the way I am and have been using it, which has been damaging on many levels.

 

 

To be honest… confessions of a honest girl

Often times my place has been a disaster. So much so that I have to make sure no one drops by unexpectedly. 

I’ve canceled plans because of not feeling like I could get it all done before someone came over. It’s made me feel overwhelmed.

When it’s clean and organized I feel amazing. I have yet to keep it that way. 

I have very rarely had my entire place clean and organized at the same time. There’s always a room or closest or cubboard or drawer (all of these or a couple of these at once) that’s off limits hiding the stuff I don’t know what to do with or don’t feel like going through. Much like the Monica closet on friends. 😂

I feel like this an outward display of what’s going on with me inside. I’m busy hurrying up and hiding the parts that aren’t healed, instead of taking the time to heal those parts. That way I have nothing to hide from anyone.

I feel like my weight personally, is the same thing. Its a complex accumulation of things I’m not dealing with, don’t know how to deal with, or don’t even realize there are certain things need to be dealt with.

I am absolutely not trying to offend any one. These my own thoughts that I have had about my own self.

Back to organzing, cleaning, and throwing out things.

Day 28

Wednesday’s are bushleague

Le Sigh ~

Wednesday’s are not my favorite day of the week. There are usually too many meetings, but there’s always at least this particular one that is guaranteed to happen on Wednesday. It is a hour long, but it feels like 3 hours. Nothing good about it. On top of it, people are awful in general as normal. 

Feeling exhausted now. 

So I wanted to dive into food to soothe my woes, and I did, partially, I somewhat held myself back, so that was an improvement. Still a bit of a cheat day though. 

I’m spent.

24 days in. 

Summary

If pictures are worth a thousand words… how much are pictures with words worth?

Today, these pictures sum up where I came from, where I am, and where I want to be.

Day 13

nutshell

I made a beautiful smoothie for breakfast/lunch today. I never know if I am going to have it for breakfast or lunch at the time I make it but, I know it’s one or the other. Anyway, I had it around lunchtime today and felt amazing immediately afterwards! And then… I got sick again. Same thing that happened to me the two other times after drinking a smoothie. I thought I had it narrowed down to, too much flaxseed, however today there was no flaxseed. As I was thinking through the ingredients I realized there were no same ingredients that I have used before… other than this particular mixed bag of frozen fruit. I had an inkling to stay away from it this morning, but I really needed some frozen fruit mixed in with the other fruit. I think that frozen bag of fruit is bad! It’s like peaches, strawberries, and pineapples. Maybe someone grabbed that bag at the store at some point in time and changed their mind, only to leave it outside the freezer until it thawed and then someone else tossed it back in. Or it’s just bad fruit. Maybe the company didn’t wash it before they froze it. There are so many questions. I am going to toss them out though. I feel better now, but DAMN it really knocks me down a few pegs… I was not feeling well at all.

Once I started feeling better I immediately wanted to eat. Thats my life in a nutshell. Happy? HUNGRY! Sad? HUNGRY! Sick? Usually still Hungry, except like today when it was making me want to throw up. Feel better after being sick? HUNGRY! Happy I am no longer sick? Let’s celebrate by eating! HA. Seriously though, the cravings for bad food kicked into high gear. I wanted chicken nuggets, even though ew, so gross. But I imagined dipping them in lots of sweet and sour sauce. Then I was like spaghetti, because spaghetti is always amazing. Then I made myself take a shower to simmer down and distract me. And here I am. Cravings have left me a bit, but it’s hard. Losing weight, getting healthy, not stuffing your face all the time when that’s what you do, it’s really difficult sometimes. You have to be strong. I don’t know why, but I feel the need to explain it. I know there’s some people that will never understand it, and lucky you! It’s a real problem for me. There’s no off button. There’s either holy sh!t I have to hold myself back, or there’s the F@#k it mode, aka EAT anything and everything cuz F*&k it! And then feel horrible for doing it.

So I love food. Ha. Duh! Right? It is so amazing though. Like, why does it have to be so good? Dammit! But, food is fuel. You are what you eat. It matters. Mentally and Physically, I really believe that it plays a pretty big part in all of that.

Day 9.

3.2

Today marks day 7 and the official weigh in day. I am down 3.2 pounds. Cheat days and all! I know it won’t always be that way. It seems the more you need to lose the easier it comes off at first. Today was a massive cheat day. I started it out with pancakes and all kinds of other naughty things. Some homemade nachos where thrown in the mix today as well as some ice cream.

Some would say I was horrible. Some might say it happens, roll with it. Some might say try a little more discipline. Some of you are right. The struggle is real for me. Yes I could have done a better job of holding myself back today, but I am still learning. My inner voice is a smooth mother f#@%er right now. I talked myself right into not giving a F$%#. I am learning. I am being honest as I am journaling through it. I do realize things as I type them out sometimes. Listen, this losing weight thing is an entire process and I am going to learn all I can from it and grow as much as I can on the way.

In all honesty I haven’t had a clue how to do any of this the healthy way. It’s always been a struggle. If I wasn’t too busy feeling self conscious of myself and my body I was too busy restricting myself or doing all the wrong things to lose the weight. I’ve been skinny, but I didn’t get there by doing it the “right” way. I had an, I barely ate phase. I’ve had, a let’s purge my food phase. When I wasn’t doing those things I’d gain weight and be made fun of, even though it wasn’t much weight that I’d gain, I’d gain it fast. And those are just my late teen and early twenty years.

I’ve battled depression for almost all of my life. I’ve had bouts of depression where I didn’t leave my bedroom as a young teenager. You gain weight pretty fast when you don’t move.

Anyway, enough about all that. Now that I am able to be completely honest with myself, I think I can finally do this. I think that’s the first step. There’s a lot of things that I’ve been really real about this last year. It was a hard year. It was. I am thankful in away, for that bullsh!t toxic relationship that ended a year ago, because it really threw me into a whirlwind of self-improvement between then and now. I still have a long ways to go, but I am truly getting there.