HAES

Health at Every Size…

A movement.

This has been intriguing me for awhile. I joined a private Facebook group that’s all about that. I had no idea what it was all about at that time, (still filling wrapping my head around it). I would see random postings from it appearing in my newsfeed. I didn’t fully understand it at first. Now I’m paying attention more and I plan on researching it lots. 

This moment is all about supporting people in adopting health habits for the sake of health and well-being. No focus on weight control. No diets, no obsessing or judging. They support each other on how to deal with a society where most people are trying to lose weight and obsess about every calorie, diets, pounds lost, etc. 

It’s all very positive and accepting. It’s hard to wrap my mind around it because my focus has always been about weight. About food. This is interesting. 

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Wednesday’s are bushleague

Le Sigh ~

Wednesday’s are not my favorite day of the week. There are usually too many meetings, but there’s always at least this particular one that is guaranteed to happen on Wednesday. It is a hour long, but it feels like 3 hours. Nothing good about it. On top of it, people are awful in general as normal. 

Feeling exhausted now. 

So I wanted to dive into food to soothe my woes, and I did, partially, I somewhat held myself back, so that was an improvement. Still a bit of a cheat day though. 

I’m spent.

24 days in. 

It’s another day

It has been 23 days since I restarted my weigh loss journey. 23 days. Almost a month. And I have managed to lose, then gain, and now finally, stay at the same weight as when I started. Whew what a ride it’s been already. I am hanging on though! I fall, I get up. Fall, up, fall up, fall, up. Whew. It can feel exhausting. Feeling on the up and up at the moment.

Oh now that I’ve got that out of the way, (my venting portion) let’s blog about something else for a change. Like these fancy new coconut wraps that I got:

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I am submersing myself into Pinterest and other areas looking for ideas on how to use these bad boys. Preferably Paleo friendly ideas.

 

Deep thoughts and struggling moments 

It still bothers me that people assume things and then continue to form their opinions and judgments on what they assume. Typically people don’t assume good intent. My last relationship was abusive. Mentally and at times it got physical. There was a lot going on in my mind. I know I had and still have a lot of things to work on, however I lost friendships because of that toxic relationship. I didn’t spend time with or had much contact with my friends or family. I generally don’t have much and haven’t had much contact with my family anyway, but that’s another story. I guess I should say I had even less contact with them.

Anyway, for some reason I’m most bothered by a specific person at the moment. I reached out to her awhile back as I began my healing from my last relationship and I apologized to her for pushing her away and not talking to her. I tried to explain what I could, but I didn’t, at that point, understand it all myself and I’m still learning. So how could I explain it to her? Anyway she didn’t seem to really get it and basically told me not to ever do that to her again. Then my ex and I were having contact again and things got unhealthy as usual, and I lost contact with her again a little. Basically I know I wasn’t a good friend, but I wasn’t in a good place. I have some friends that were and are always there for me no matter how far away they live and how often we talk. But not her. I guess I just need to move on and cut ties, but it bothers me. I’ll see her every now and then and the first time I saw her at a concert she wasn’t happy that I didn’t tell her I was going. Well she didn’t tell me she was going either. It’s just frustrating. It’s not the easiest to make friends in general for me and as I get older it’s even more difficult. I have a lot of friends where we’ve been friends for a very long time. I am fortune in that sense. 

I also tried to make peace with my ex boyfriend before the recent ex. Because him and I were just starting to work on a friendship and I allowed my toxic bf at the time to destroy every piece of that and seclude me. I regret that. And I tried to reach out and apologize for that too. But that failed and is failing too.

The effects of a toxic relationship lasts well after the the relationship is over. I think there’s a lot of pieces that just need to be left in the past in order to move on. I don’t think there’s away to pick up all the pieces and fix them. Perhaps that’s just part of the healing and growing…. painfully learning a lesson like losing friendships and such. 

As I mentioned, that toxic relationship brought many things to light for me. I realized there are reasons I allowed it and got caught up in it. I’m not by any means excusing the fact he should have never done or said the things he did to me, it was wrong. I am saying, as I try to understand why I stayed in a relationship like that for 2 years, it brought some things to light for me. Like my anxiety, depression, my past, my childhood, my dad, my brother, my mom, my sisters. There are many pieces to this healing thing and I’ve realized I need some guidance on how. I’ve decided to reach out to a counselor. This won’t be the first time that I have, but it’s been a long time. And I don’t recall any past attempts being very successful. 

This time I’m ready to put work into this, more so than I’ve ever done. I’m doing my homework and research on the things I can do to make it successful. 

Today is day 20 of my weight lost journey. Its super slow moving. I’ve been struggling mentally big time. I will not give up on trying.