Random AF… welcome to my brain

I hardly did anything today. I guess it’s just one of those days. Instead of feeling guilty, I will let it go. Instead of being mad at myself, I will be understanding. Instead of thinking about how lazy I am, I will forgive myself for not wanting to do anything today. I think I want to try to be kinder to myself. Much like I’d be with a friend. Instead of my own worst enemy and my own worst critic. I think I will try to be more patient and more understanding.

So ya, I’m having one of those days.

Some things that I did do:

Read a lot and did a lot of research on obesity.

Ate a healthy breakfast.

Ate a healthy lunch.

Made a healthier snack/dessert option.

Why did I research obesity? You may be curious. Well, honestly, this weight thing has been getting me down. I have been trying to kick it’s ass for awhile, but it always ends up kicking mine. It’s frustrating. No, it’s beyond frustrating! So, I figured I will just throw myself into as much knowledge as possible about it until something clicks or something works for me. When I get all these pieces and place them where there need to be, maybe that is what I need. Then maybe one day I can help someone else that feels this way.

I was a skinny kid. Depression and anxiety introduced their nastiness to me when I was 14, (anxiety crept in a littler earlier and got heavier as time went on). Introduced themselves hard. I remember I packed on a little weight around the time I wouldn’t leave the house for weeks. Enough for those sweet girls in my class to tease me about it when I finally went back to school. I think I weighed 145 pounds? Oh to weigh 145 pounds again! I think I got up to 155 at one point, not sure. Then around the age of 20 I got down to 135. I was that weight about 2-3 years and then the extra weight slowly crept on. I think by the age of 25 I got up to 190. Got down to 175 at one point for a bit. Then got back up to 190 for awhile. 230 was my next “average weight” for awhile. Now I go between 275 and 255, it’s been that way for the last 3 years. I don’t want it to EVER creep past 275. I am at 265 now. I so badly want to see that scale go down, down, down. I picked 199 for my first goal weight. I want to be 199 so very badly. I would be under 200 pounds for the first time in 5 years! If I can go beyond 199 at some point and time, great. That’s not for me to worry about right now. I want to hit my goal of 199 first. I have been struggling for so long that it feels like this glorious piece of  beautiful warm sunshine that I keep getting further and further away from.

So, back to my point on why I’ve been submerging myself into learning about obesity. Let’s back up for a second again… only very recently have I admitted to myself that I have an actual problem. That I can’t stop overeating. That I am not at a healthy weight. Like, I have really been working on being truly honest with myself. What is that honesty? I am miserable. I don’t want to travel in planes. I don’t want to go places with my skinny friends. I am tired of forcing myself to rise above all the negativity and just accept myself. Because for me personally, this is not where I want to be, and it’s all exhausting to pretend. It’s a struggle every single day and it kicks my ass. I have to hide that. So that I can smile and appear OK. I am tired.

A lot of times in my life I worry about speaking my truth. I dont’t want to offend or make people upset. I realized though, and I want to draw the point home that this is my journey, my life, my honesty, and my truth.

I watched a documentary last night, well some of it. It was pretty hardcore. I had to not look a lot of the time because I cannot handle the sight of someone getting a shot, let alone getting cut open. The documentary had some good insights and other pieces that made it worth watching to me. Knowing the actual extent of the things that obesity does to your body is a good eye opening experience.

Obesity: The Postmortem. On Netflix.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you, if you do decide to watch it. I mean, yes we know being overweight isn’t healthy. We know we don’t choose this. We know some people that are struggling harder than others for other reasons. I think it’s important to know the truth. About the damage it causes. Both mentally and physically, and that’s the tricky part! Sometimes the mental part causes the physical part. We need to realize that it’s something we need to help people with, not just look away and accept it as the new normal. Yes, we are all beautiful. Each and every one of us. But the fact of the matter is, it’s not healthy.

I am also diving into and gathering information on healthy food and the benefits of healthy foods. This is my other tacit on getting myself off this overeating business. Yes, we know veggies, fruit, proteins, organic foods are healthy. Yes, we know process food is bad and lots of sugar is bad. Then that’s the extent of where most people let their minds go. When they slip and go back into old bad habits, it’s like, “oh well”. But when you start to realize just how damaging it all is, it takes it to a different level.

I want to get myself healed. I want to get myself to the point of using foods for  health. I want to use it for healing. Eat food for it’s nourishment and ability to cure. Instead of the way I am and have been using it, which has been damaging on many levels.





Health at Every Size…

A movement.

This has been intriguing me for awhile. I joined a private Facebook group that’s all about that. I had no idea what it was all about at that time, (still filling wrapping my head around it). I would see random postings from it appearing in my newsfeed. I didn’t fully understand it at first. Now I’m paying attention more and I plan on researching it lots. 

This moment is all about supporting people in adopting health habits for the sake of health and well-being. No focus on weight control. No diets, no obsessing or judging. They support each other on how to deal with a society where most people are trying to lose weight and obsess about every calorie, diets, pounds lost, etc. 

It’s all very positive and accepting. It’s hard to wrap my mind around it because my focus has always been about weight. About food. This is interesting. 

Happy Anniversary

WordPress has informed me that it’s been one year since I’ve signed up on here. It would be amazing to report that I have lost all the weight that I set out to lose when I originally started this blog. In my defense my true goal at the time was to heal and grow from an abusive relationship, and then lose weight. I have restarted this blog several times and there have been periods of time where I did not write anything in it. I do believe this is the longest I have kept up with it. I do not have any weight-loss to report at this time. I do think I am down again but nothing significant. I’m still on the yo-yo thing. I’m about where I was a week after I originally restarted this. I hope to report some weight-loss next week. 

My goal is to keep on keeping on. I’m trying not to feel a little bit bogged down by the fact that it has been a year since I started this blog. I really don’t have too much to report on from a year ago other than my ex is now completely out of my life, so actually that is a huge success. There was a lot of off and on BS for a little bit. And I continue to heal. I need to keep focused on the positive things that are happening. This is my journey, no one else’s. Mine might take longer than others, but that doesn’t matter. 


If pictures are worth a thousand words… how much are pictures with words worth?

Today, these pictures sum up where I came from, where I am, and where I want to be.

Day 13


Today marks day 7 and the official weigh in day. I am down 3.2 pounds. Cheat days and all! I know it won’t always be that way. It seems the more you need to lose the easier it comes off at first. Today was a massive cheat day. I started it out with pancakes and all kinds of other naughty things. Some homemade nachos where thrown in the mix today as well as some ice cream.

Some would say I was horrible. Some might say it happens, roll with it. Some might say try a little more discipline. Some of you are right. The struggle is real for me. Yes I could have done a better job of holding myself back today, but I am still learning. My inner voice is a smooth mother f#@%er right now. I talked myself right into not giving a F$%#. I am learning. I am being honest as I am journaling through it. I do realize things as I type them out sometimes. Listen, this losing weight thing is an entire process and I am going to learn all I can from it and grow as much as I can on the way.

In all honesty I haven’t had a clue how to do any of this the healthy way. It’s always been a struggle. If I wasn’t too busy feeling self conscious of myself and my body I was too busy restricting myself or doing all the wrong things to lose the weight. I’ve been skinny, but I didn’t get there by doing it the “right” way. I had an, I barely ate phase. I’ve had, a let’s purge my food phase. When I wasn’t doing those things I’d gain weight and be made fun of, even though it wasn’t much weight that I’d gain, I’d gain it fast. And those are just my late teen and early twenty years.

I’ve battled depression for almost all of my life. I’ve had bouts of depression where I didn’t leave my bedroom as a young teenager. You gain weight pretty fast when you don’t move.

Anyway, enough about all that. Now that I am able to be completely honest with myself, I think I can finally do this. I think that’s the first step. There’s a lot of things that I’ve been really real about this last year. It was a hard year. It was. I am thankful in away, for that bullsh!t toxic relationship that ended a year ago, because it really threw me into a whirlwind of self-improvement between then and now. I still have a long ways to go, but I am truly getting there.

Down in a hole

I fell into a hole of despair. That’s all that I can explain it as. Over the last two days. I have started to crawl my way out of it, well mostly out out of it. Enough so that I can get myself pumped up enough to get back to work tomorrow. So that’s a plus. I don’t feel well. But I am not sure if I didn’t feel well, and that’s what made me depressed, or if I was depressed and that’s what made feel not well. I just couldn’t people either. Too much of that at work. I cleared off my schedules and let myself fall deep into the hole.

I have vacation coming up soon. I think that is going to be exactly what my body, mind, and soul needs.

I’ve got myself sitting up, off the couch. Sipping on some turmeric tea. Tonight it consists of about 1 tsp ground turmeric root powder, dash of apple cider vinegar, a couple twists of the grinder of ground pepper, a dash or two of lemon juice, and hot water. Usually if I drink this, I drink this in the morning and I normally also add 1 tsp of matcha. Since it’s evening, I decided to pass on caffeine. I’ve been drinking variations of this tea for a few months now. I definitely see some positive side effects. My period is shorter and much more regular. I think it has improved my moods, however I still sink into a hole of depression every now and then. But not as much and not as often. And I think that’s ok. It’s good to feel. I am learning to embrace the feelings but not get lost in them like I used to. I also feel energized when I drink it. Enough so that I no longer drink coffee like I used to. I used to drink lots. Now I will have it on occasion.

I’ve also been eating Paleo for about 2 weeks now. And I have lost a couple of pounds. Now I am back to the weight I was a few weeks ago, when I was trying and then quit. It’s been a little bit of a yo-yo. I’m feeling pretty positive about this. So from the end of April I am officially down 19 pounds. My weight fluctuates so much that I am only going to step on the scale once a week. My 2nd goal from today is 29 pounds. We shall see how long it takes to hit it. No racing. Just letting it come off. In the meantime I will continue to skip the donuts and other treats that are brought into work, no fast food (a big weakness of mine), no processed foods, no wheats, no carbs, no added sugars. You know what? It sounds like a lot of “no’s” but, I am actually quite amazed on how much you can have. And how satisfied and full you feel. None of this feeling like crap like you do after too much crappy food, that I’ve felt way too many times. I don’t miss that.

You know what? It’s early enough in the evening. I think I shall take a stroll. That is good for the soul. Bonus – the puppies will appreciate it. Also, burn calories – extra bonus.

*Back from my walk. For fun, I decided to try and remember and lay out all of the different ways I’ve tired to lose weight.
– purging (laxatives, making myself throw up (dark road to be on)
– starving myself (horrible idea, horrible)
– weight watchers
– ideal protein diet
– count calories
– slow carb

Tried working out a ton and eating whatever I wanted. Starving myself and working out a ton. I think if it’s something that exists I’ve tried it.

My body for sure needs a reboot. Just like my blog. I watched a documentary the other day that’s right on par with my journey. I highly recommend it. “Hungry for Change” It’s on Netflix right now. I’ve recommended it to so many people. I am trying not to talk about weight loss, paleo, or that documentary too much. I find people don’t want this type of information thrown into their faces. They will ask when they are ready. I must remember this. I don’t want be that person that is pushing all of this stuff. Besides, I REALLY want my results to be what sells them onto this healthier lifestyle. So I am doing it for myself, number one. (Losing weight and becoming healthier) but number 2, I feel like I am doing it for everyone else that has every struggled so much with this.

I’ve struggled so much with it. I’ve been overweight for a long time now. It’s time it comes off. And all that I’ve been reading and watching… it doesn’t have to be as hard as some of make it on ourselves. We aren’t stupid. There’s nothing wrong with us. We’ve been taught the wrong things. We have to learn to eat properly again. And learn what to cut out. And what to eat lots of. There’s no reason to feel hungry. We need the right foods to fuel our bodies!