Light Bulb Moment

I had a realization the other day. Something clicked. That moment made me feel peacefulness,  happiness and excitement for the now. I will try to explain…

I will be respectful, but my job is not to make everyone happy. My job is to be my true self. That is so freeing to actually understand this and what it means. What this means to me is having healthy boundaries. It means self care. A healthy sense of self.

It’s a heavy burden trying to please everyone. You can’t! It cannot be done. Scenario that I’ve been through before, probably more times than I care to admit, “I think I said something in a way that offended someone! Now what?” If your intentions are true and good, that’s all that matters. It’s their responsibility to come to you and communicate if it offended them. You can listen to their feelings. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings. If you were malicious, yes you will and probably should feel bad. Just don’t be a jerk. lol.

I can do the things I need, want, and that are good for me. Yes, really! it’s a great feeling, it’s not selfish!. Yes, someone might have an opinion on what they want me to do or think I should do, but in the end I need to do what is good for me and what I need. I don’t need to worry about anything else. As long as it’s not malicious and not with bad intent. Yes, it’s really that simple. Sure, there are different circumstances and situations… but when it comes to your self… that’s when those boundaries kick in. That is when you step up and take care of you.

You can read self help books and see the words that people felt, but actually understanding the connection and feeling that true understanding and wisdom is up to you and takes work. That always frustrated me. I never got that. People would share their experiences and say this or that or give this advice or recommend this book and they were all just words to me until I went through the process. Until I tried, worked hard, (continuing to work hard), and pushed through the pain. I Allowed my mind to open and learn while accepting myself for everything I am, faults and all. That helped me understand all of those pieces are important and what make me. Where those pieces of advice go. This helps me focus on what I want to change and continue to work on.

I am learning to be good to myself. I’m just as important as anyone else, why in the world have I been pushing myself last for so long? Keeping my opinions to myself? Why is his opinion better or more important than mine? Why are her feelings more important than mine? I need to be strong for myself first and for most. True to myself. I deserve it.

I can’t tell you what a tremendous burden has been lifted now that I am beginning to understand all of these pieces and how they fit. The pieces are slowly starting to come together. Those words now mean action to me, helping me move positive changes into my life.

I am getting it.

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Hello my old friend

More attention has been swarming around depression. I hope these discussions never stop. Unfortunately after the dust settles it seems people forget and move on. Until it happens again and again. “It” is another suicide in the headlines.

What is mind boggling for me is to see how much we lack proper mental health care help and opportunities in this country. I remember not too long ago a healthcare facility that I work with eliminated their mental health department in the hospital. Um, what?! And I remember getting the courage to ask where those potential patients will go that need to be there. The answer, jokingly of course, “Why, are you looking for where you’ll need to go?” Um, what? I nervously laughed it off and that was the end of that. Right there sums up the general reaction and feelings towards mental health care. Again, um WHAT?! I still wonder why they eliminated this care and where these patients are supposed to go. This is just a small example of a growing problem. Most of these homeless people I have seen in larger cities are in need of placement in a facility for mental health either for brief treatment and medication or permanent. It is so sad it breaks my heart. Jails and prisons are full of people that are in dire need of mental health care. We just locked them away and forget about it.

Ok, so we don’t have many places for people to go. The places and treatment options that are available, are they affordable? What do most people end up doing? They self medicate. Either knowingly or unknowingly. They do drugs or they drink more (or in my case eat, eat, eat more) than they should. What other option do they have to escape these horrible, debilitating feeling of darkness?

I recently started seeing a counselor again. I have a good job and I have insurance. This is still expensive for me. I would rather not have to give out this additional money that I could use to pay off other debts. Seriously. What do others do that make less than me and have little or no insurance? I am sure there are programs. Let’s advertise them more and talk about them more if there are. Let’s advertise the hell out of it so when someone feels darkness creeping up they know exactly where to turn and how.  Not knowing how or where to start is something that stops many. I know it has stopped me before.

Mental health is the real deal. It needs to be taken more seriously by society. Understood better. No more sweeping it under the rug expecting it to just go away. It is not a sign of weakness.

People handle it in many different ways. The biggest smiles often tend to hide the most hurt.

 

 

 

 

 

HAES

Health at Every Size…

A movement.

This has been intriguing me for awhile. I joined a private Facebook group that’s all about that. I had no idea what it was all about at that time, (still filling wrapping my head around it). I would see random postings from it appearing in my newsfeed. I didn’t fully understand it at first. Now I’m paying attention more and I plan on researching it lots. 

This moment is all about supporting people in adopting health habits for the sake of health and well-being. No focus on weight control. No diets, no obsessing or judging. They support each other on how to deal with a society where most people are trying to lose weight and obsess about every calorie, diets, pounds lost, etc. 

It’s all very positive and accepting. It’s hard to wrap my mind around it because my focus has always been about weight. About food. This is interesting. 

Work in progress 

Success-ish!

My entire place is almost 100% clean and organized. Just a few more boxes to go through and a trip or two to drop donations off. I have to admit it’s feeling pretty good. Weight loss? Not so much yet. I feel it’s coming. All of these things I’m doing to work on myself to grow, heal, and all that… it’s all coming into an alignment. I feel it’s all coming together. It’s interconnected and intertwined and all that. But I’ll be coming out renewed and awesome on the other side.

To be honest… confessions of a honest girl

Often times my place has been a disaster. So much so that I have to make sure no one drops by unexpectedly. 

I’ve canceled plans because of not feeling like I could get it all done before someone came over. It’s made me feel overwhelmed.

When it’s clean and organized I feel amazing. I have yet to keep it that way. 

I have very rarely had my entire place clean and organized at the same time. There’s always a room or closest or cubboard or drawer (all of these or a couple of these at once) that’s off limits hiding the stuff I don’t know what to do with or don’t feel like going through. Much like the Monica closet on friends. 😂

I feel like this an outward display of what’s going on with me inside. I’m busy hurrying up and hiding the parts that aren’t healed, instead of taking the time to heal those parts. That way I have nothing to hide from anyone.

I feel like my weight personally, is the same thing. Its a complex accumulation of things I’m not dealing with, don’t know how to deal with, or don’t even realize there are certain things need to be dealt with.

I am absolutely not trying to offend any one. These my own thoughts that I have had about my own self.

Back to organzing, cleaning, and throwing out things.

Day 28

Happy Anniversary

WordPress has informed me that it’s been one year since I’ve signed up on here. It would be amazing to report that I have lost all the weight that I set out to lose when I originally started this blog. In my defense my true goal at the time was to heal and grow from an abusive relationship, and then lose weight. I have restarted this blog several times and there have been periods of time where I did not write anything in it. I do believe this is the longest I have kept up with it. I do not have any weight-loss to report at this time. I do think I am down again but nothing significant. I’m still on the yo-yo thing. I’m about where I was a week after I originally restarted this. I hope to report some weight-loss next week. 

My goal is to keep on keeping on. I’m trying not to feel a little bit bogged down by the fact that it has been a year since I started this blog. I really don’t have too much to report on from a year ago other than my ex is now completely out of my life, so actually that is a huge success. There was a lot of off and on BS for a little bit. And I continue to heal. I need to keep focused on the positive things that are happening. This is my journey, no one else’s. Mine might take longer than others, but that doesn’t matter.