Pieces of me

This song got stuck in my head after I named my blog. Gosh I loved jewel back in the day.

I am a true ambivalent, but heavy on the introvert.

There’s nothing more lovely than canceled plans and time alone. However, I find that I avoid and get out of plans so often, I end up feeling sorry for myself that no one is inviting me out. Even though 2 hours earlier I was invited somewhere and I said I was busy. What the actual @#!#, right? It’s a real struggle. When I do go out, I can certainly appear a bit outgoing. Then I am exhausted or fixating on every detail and worried I said or did something wrong, replaying it back in my head. It’s exhausting. As I type this out I see why I cancel and avoid plans. It’s a whole to do. I am exhausted just thinking about it. On top of it all, throw my anxiety in the mix, and it’s pretty special. By pretty special, I mean pretty exhausting. Pretty… something.

I feel like a super complex person. The more I try to figure myself out the more I seem to uncover.

Maybe this is needless to say, but even going to the gym or going out to lunch with friends can take a little time for me to talk myself into it. I am a bit better these days. A lot of things can still be a bit of a struggle. As you can see, this plays a part in why I’d rather be home.

Sometimes I wonder if I am too judge-y of people. I know full well none of us are perfect, not a one. Some of the things I judge on I have done or do. Does it make me feel better? I don’t think so. Do I think I am better? No. Are they hurting me personally with these actions? I don’t think so. Why do I think I need to judge? I have no idea.


I want to stop evaluating things so deeply. I want to not pick up on these things. I don’t want “gut feelings” about things anymore. I want to be blind and numb to these things. I think life would be easier.

OMG, and I care. I care hard. I feel hard. I feel other things people are going through. It makes me teary eyed easily. Or happy. I feel what they feel. I am a very empathetic person.

It’s all kind of exhausting.




Age … it’s really just a number 

Spare bedroom … getting there

Garage … getting there

The rest of my place is there!

Now to keep it that way. 

I feel as though I’m finally growing up… I don’t feel my age. Never have, never will. I don’t act it. And I don’t look it. It’s always taken me a little longer. Like this adulting thing. I think I might be getting the hang of it. Ya, I’m in my 30s, what? 😂

Speaking of being in my 30s… wtf? Why is time going by so fast? And it keeps going by faster, seriously. And you under 30 year olds, even under 20 year olds… 30 something isn’t as old as you think. I don’t feel old. I don’t feel any different. Lol 😂 but, I don’t wish I was younger. I am good right where I’m at. I wouldn’t go back and do any of it over. It was tough. Growing mentally. Wow, I sure thought I knew it all, or at least enough when I was younger. I’m realizing I didn’t and still don’t know it all, not even close. I was in such a hurry to go, go, go. I learned a lot of things the hard way. I wouldn’t change any of it because it help make me who I am. 

One piece of advice I’d offer to anyone that might listen, is really keep an open mind when someone older offers you advice, they have been where you are at one time. I would usually let it all go in one ear and out the other. I am trying to really listen and absorb any advice or wisdom 😉  I have nephews and a niece and I pick up the vibe that they don’t think I have good, relatable advice. I’m trying to figure out how to be who I needed when I was their age, but I find myself lecturing more than anything and that’s not what I’m intending, lol. And I feel for them. They are all pretty much teenagers. Those years are hard! Maybe not for everyone? But for me, very hard. 

To be honest… confessions of a honest girl

Often times my place has been a disaster. So much so that I have to make sure no one drops by unexpectedly. 

I’ve canceled plans because of not feeling like I could get it all done before someone came over. It’s made me feel overwhelmed.

When it’s clean and organized I feel amazing. I have yet to keep it that way. 

I have very rarely had my entire place clean and organized at the same time. There’s always a room or closest or cubboard or drawer (all of these or a couple of these at once) that’s off limits hiding the stuff I don’t know what to do with or don’t feel like going through. Much like the Monica closet on friends. 😂

I feel like this an outward display of what’s going on with me inside. I’m busy hurrying up and hiding the parts that aren’t healed, instead of taking the time to heal those parts. That way I have nothing to hide from anyone.

I feel like my weight personally, is the same thing. Its a complex accumulation of things I’m not dealing with, don’t know how to deal with, or don’t even realize there are certain things need to be dealt with.

I am absolutely not trying to offend any one. These my own thoughts that I have had about my own self.

Back to organzing, cleaning, and throwing out things.

Day 28

Happy Anniversary

WordPress has informed me that it’s been one year since I’ve signed up on here. It would be amazing to report that I have lost all the weight that I set out to lose when I originally started this blog. In my defense my true goal at the time was to heal and grow from an abusive relationship, and then lose weight. I have restarted this blog several times and there have been periods of time where I did not write anything in it. I do believe this is the longest I have kept up with it. I do not have any weight-loss to report at this time. I do think I am down again but nothing significant. I’m still on the yo-yo thing. I’m about where I was a week after I originally restarted this. I hope to report some weight-loss next week. 

My goal is to keep on keeping on. I’m trying not to feel a little bit bogged down by the fact that it has been a year since I started this blog. I really don’t have too much to report on from a year ago other than my ex is now completely out of my life, so actually that is a huge success. There was a lot of off and on BS for a little bit. And I continue to heal. I need to keep focused on the positive things that are happening. This is my journey, no one else’s. Mine might take longer than others, but that doesn’t matter. 

Something’s to self care 

At least 4 things that…

I’m thankful for


Positive things about myself 

And to remember 



Another day to try harder

Clean water

Roof over my head


I deserve respect

I’m important too 

My opinions matter

It’s ok to make mistakes, everyone does


Today is another chance at doing my best

I don’t have to tone down my true self

Not everyone will like you, and that’s ok

Don’t focus on the past, be in the present 

It’s another day

It has been 23 days since I restarted my weigh loss journey. 23 days. Almost a month. And I have managed to lose, then gain, and now finally, stay at the same weight as when I started. Whew what a ride it’s been already. I am hanging on though! I fall, I get up. Fall, up, fall up, fall, up. Whew. It can feel exhausting. Feeling on the up and up at the moment.

Oh now that I’ve got that out of the way, (my venting portion) let’s blog about something else for a change. Like these fancy new coconut wraps that I got:


I am submersing myself into Pinterest and other areas looking for ideas on how to use these bad boys. Preferably Paleo friendly ideas.


Monday Monday 

Day twenty two.

Happy Monday. Well I hit it pretty decently today. Fitbit challenge with a couple friends and doing pretty well.

Breakfast: sausage 

Lunch: mushroom and Swiss burger 

Dinner: panera bread pick two – green goodness Cobb salad and cup of turkey chili 

Snacks: trail mix with fruit 

Deep thoughts and struggling moments 

It still bothers me that people assume things and then continue to form their opinions and judgments on what they assume. Typically people don’t assume good intent. My last relationship was abusive. Mentally and at times it got physical. There was a lot going on in my mind. I know I had and still have a lot of things to work on, however I lost friendships because of that toxic relationship. I didn’t spend time with or had much contact with my friends or family. I generally don’t have much and haven’t had much contact with my family anyway, but that’s another story. I guess I should say I had even less contact with them.

Anyway, for some reason I’m most bothered by a specific person at the moment. I reached out to her awhile back as I began my healing from my last relationship and I apologized to her for pushing her away and not talking to her. I tried to explain what I could, but I didn’t, at that point, understand it all myself and I’m still learning. So how could I explain it to her? Anyway she didn’t seem to really get it and basically told me not to ever do that to her again. Then my ex and I were having contact again and things got unhealthy as usual, and I lost contact with her again a little. Basically I know I wasn’t a good friend, but I wasn’t in a good place. I have some friends that were and are always there for me no matter how far away they live and how often we talk. But not her. I guess I just need to move on and cut ties, but it bothers me. I’ll see her every now and then and the first time I saw her at a concert she wasn’t happy that I didn’t tell her I was going. Well she didn’t tell me she was going either. It’s just frustrating. It’s not the easiest to make friends in general for me and as I get older it’s even more difficult. I have a lot of friends where we’ve been friends for a very long time. I am fortune in that sense. 

I also tried to make peace with my ex boyfriend before the recent ex. Because him and I were just starting to work on a friendship and I allowed my toxic bf at the time to destroy every piece of that and seclude me. I regret that. And I tried to reach out and apologize for that too. But that failed and is failing too.

The effects of a toxic relationship lasts well after the the relationship is over. I think there’s a lot of pieces that just need to be left in the past in order to move on. I don’t think there’s away to pick up all the pieces and fix them. Perhaps that’s just part of the healing and growing…. painfully learning a lesson like losing friendships and such. 

As I mentioned, that toxic relationship brought many things to light for me. I realized there are reasons I allowed it and got caught up in it. I’m not by any means excusing the fact he should have never done or said the things he did to me, it was wrong. I am saying, as I try to understand why I stayed in a relationship like that for 2 years, it brought some things to light for me. Like my anxiety, depression, my past, my childhood, my dad, my brother, my mom, my sisters. There are many pieces to this healing thing and I’ve realized I need some guidance on how. I’ve decided to reach out to a counselor. This won’t be the first time that I have, but it’s been a long time. And I don’t recall any past attempts being very successful. 

This time I’m ready to put work into this, more so than I’ve ever done. I’m doing my homework and research on the things I can do to make it successful. 

Today is day 20 of my weight lost journey. Its super slow moving. I’ve been struggling mentally big time. I will not give up on trying. 


Day 19

Happy Friday!

I am taking a nap!

B: Smoothie and breakfast sausage

L: Jimmy Johns Sub (bread AND mayo 😦 ) And  a HUUGE pickle

D: Sausage

S: Dark chocolate chips