Pieces of me

This song got stuck in my head after I named my blog. Gosh I loved jewel back in the day.

I am a true ambivalent, but heavy on the introvert.

There’s nothing more lovely than canceled plans and time alone. However, I find that I avoid and get out of plans so often, I end up feeling sorry for myself that no one is inviting me out. Even though 2 hours earlier I was invited somewhere and I said I was busy. What the actual @#!#, right? It’s a real struggle. When I do go out, I can certainly appear a bit outgoing. Then I am exhausted or fixating on every detail and worried I said or did something wrong, replaying it back in my head. It’s exhausting. As I type this out I see why I cancel and avoid plans. It’s a whole to do. I am exhausted just thinking about it. On top of it all, throw my anxiety in the mix, and it’s pretty special. By pretty special, I mean pretty exhausting. Pretty… something.

I feel like a super complex person. The more I try to figure myself out the more I seem to uncover.

Maybe this is needless to say, but even going to the gym or going out to lunch with friends can take a little time for me to talk myself into it. I am a bit better these days. A lot of things can still be a bit of a struggle. As you can see, this plays a part in why I’d rather be home.

Sometimes I wonder if I am too judge-y of people. I know full well none of us are perfect, not a one. Some of the things I judge on I have done or do. Does it make me feel better? I don’t think so. Do I think I am better? No. Are they hurting me personally with these actions? I don’t think so. Why do I think I need to judge? I have no idea.


I want to stop evaluating things so deeply. I want to not pick up on these things. I don’t want “gut feelings” about things anymore. I want to be blind and numb to these things. I think life would be easier.

OMG, and I care. I care hard. I feel hard. I feel other things people are going through. It makes me teary eyed easily. Or happy. I feel what they feel. I am a very empathetic person.

It’s all kind of exhausting.




Random AF… welcome to my brain

I hardly did anything today. I guess it’s just one of those days. Instead of feeling guilty, I will let it go. Instead of being mad at myself, I will be understanding. Instead of thinking about how lazy I am, I will forgive myself for not wanting to do anything today. I think I want to try to be kinder to myself. Much like I’d be with a friend. Instead of my own worst enemy and my own worst critic. I think I will try to be more patient and more understanding.

So ya, I’m having one of those days.

Some things that I did do:

Read a lot and did a lot of research on obesity.

Ate a healthy breakfast.

Ate a healthy lunch.

Made a healthier snack/dessert option.

Why did I research obesity? You may be curious. Well, honestly, this weight thing has been getting me down. I have been trying to kick it’s ass for awhile, but it always ends up kicking mine. It’s frustrating. No, it’s beyond frustrating! So, I figured I will just throw myself into as much knowledge as possible about it until something clicks or something works for me. When I get all these pieces and place them where there need to be, maybe that is what I need. Then maybe one day I can help someone else that feels this way.

I was a skinny kid. Depression and anxiety introduced their nastiness to me when I was 14, (anxiety crept in a littler earlier and got heavier as time went on). Introduced themselves hard. I remember I packed on a little weight around the time I wouldn’t leave the house for weeks. Enough for those sweet girls in my class to tease me about it when I finally went back to school. I think I weighed 145 pounds? Oh to weigh 145 pounds again! I think I got up to 155 at one point, not sure. Then around the age of 20 I got down to 135. I was that weight about 2-3 years and then the extra weight slowly crept on. I think by the age of 25 I got up to 190. Got down to 175 at one point for a bit. Then got back up to 190 for awhile. 230 was my next “average weight” for awhile. Now I go between 275 and 255, it’s been that way for the last 3 years. I don’t want it to EVER creep past 275. I am at 265 now. I so badly want to see that scale go down, down, down. I picked 199 for my first goal weight. I want to be 199 so very badly. I would be under 200 pounds for the first time in 5 years! If I can go beyond 199 at some point and time, great. That’s not for me to worry about right now. I want to hit my goal of 199 first. I have been struggling for so long that it feels like this glorious piece of  beautiful warm sunshine that I keep getting further and further away from.

So, back to my point on why I’ve been submerging myself into learning about obesity. Let’s back up for a second again… only very recently have I admitted to myself that I have an actual problem. That I can’t stop overeating. That I am not at a healthy weight. Like, I have really been working on being truly honest with myself. What is that honesty? I am miserable. I don’t want to travel in planes. I don’t want to go places with my skinny friends. I am tired of forcing myself to rise above all the negativity and just accept myself. Because for me personally, this is not where I want to be, and it’s all exhausting to pretend. It’s a struggle every single day and it kicks my ass. I have to hide that. So that I can smile and appear OK. I am tired.

A lot of times in my life I worry about speaking my truth. I dont’t want to offend or make people upset. I realized though, and I want to draw the point home that this is my journey, my life, my honesty, and my truth.

I watched a documentary last night, well some of it. It was pretty hardcore. I had to not look a lot of the time because I cannot handle the sight of someone getting a shot, let alone getting cut open. The documentary had some good insights and other pieces that made it worth watching to me. Knowing the actual extent of the things that obesity does to your body is a good eye opening experience.

Obesity: The Postmortem. On Netflix.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you, if you do decide to watch it. I mean, yes we know being overweight isn’t healthy. We know we don’t choose this. We know some people that are struggling harder than others for other reasons. I think it’s important to know the truth. About the damage it causes. Both mentally and physically, and that’s the tricky part! Sometimes the mental part causes the physical part. We need to realize that it’s something we need to help people with, not just look away and accept it as the new normal. Yes, we are all beautiful. Each and every one of us. But the fact of the matter is, it’s not healthy.

I am also diving into and gathering information on healthy food and the benefits of healthy foods. This is my other tacit on getting myself off this overeating business. Yes, we know veggies, fruit, proteins, organic foods are healthy. Yes, we know process food is bad and lots of sugar is bad. Then that’s the extent of where most people let their minds go. When they slip and go back into old bad habits, it’s like, “oh well”. But when you start to realize just how damaging it all is, it takes it to a different level.

I want to get myself healed. I want to get myself to the point of using foods for  health. I want to use it for healing. Eat food for it’s nourishment and ability to cure. Instead of the way I am and have been using it, which has been damaging on many levels.



Depression wrecks havoc on my soul

It will never leave me.

It’s always there. Waiting in the shadows to attack and consume me.

Oh, and it consumes me. So fiercely and so quickly. I am usually a long ways into it already before I realize fully what hit me. It grips me so tightly sometimes I feel like I can’t breath. I feel like it will always feel like this and that thought causes a panicky feeling to sweep over me. Leaving me truly feeling despair, loneliness, sadness, hurt, frustration, and maybe even a smudge angry. Angry that it hit me again, leaving me feeling so helpless.

Then I look at the aftermath and it’s like a bomb went off, literally in my home and figuratively in my spirit, my mind.

I emerge slowly. I am tired and beat down; grabbing onto my strength, and pulling myself out.

When those clouds start to part and the sun shines in, those are the moments I realize life isn’t that bad. That it always gets better. That I’ll be OK. That I can do this.

It will happen again. Depression waits for me in the shadows.
All I can do is be honest with myself. More honest than I have ever been. I have struggled with depression for years. Giving all I can give to make it seem like everything is alright. If I can’t make it seem like everything is alright, I pull into myself and hide. No one can see me or hear me or judge me. I feel safe there.  There were times I’ve hidden too long and hard and it pushed people away.
You see the true colors of people in this life during those hardest times. You really do. As heartbreaking as it is to no longer have them all in your life, the ones that really love you never leave.

That circle of love around me seems to be getting smaller and smaller. I can’t help but think that even though true friends and people that love you stick by you, are always there for you, what about those others? They don’t understand what is going on and might assume you are being a bad friend, sister, daughter, aunt, coworker. Maybe it weighs on their mind that you pulled away from them for no reason that they can see or understand.

I can’t worry about all of that. I can only do the best I can and learn so I can grow, so I can heal.

That’s where I am at. Still healing. Still learning. Still growing.

So the next time depression strikes from the darkness, I will understand a little more what to do and how to allow myself to feel. So the next time, and then the next time, I can deal with it better and better.


Light Bulb Moment

I had a realization the other day. Something clicked. That moment made me feel peacefulness,  happiness and excitement for the now. I will try to explain…

I will be respectful, but my job is not to make everyone happy. My job is to be my true self. That is so freeing to actually understand this and what it means. What this means to me is having healthy boundaries. It means self care. A healthy sense of self.

It’s a heavy burden trying to please everyone. You can’t! It cannot be done. Scenario that I’ve been through before, probably more times than I care to admit, “I think I said something in a way that offended someone! Now what?” If your intentions are true and good, that’s all that matters. It’s their responsibility to come to you and communicate if it offended them. You can listen to their feelings. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings. If you were malicious, yes you will and probably should feel bad. Just don’t be a jerk. lol.

I can do the things I need, want, and that are good for me. Yes, really! it’s a great feeling, it’s not selfish!. Yes, someone might have an opinion on what they want me to do or think I should do, but in the end I need to do what is good for me and what I need. I don’t need to worry about anything else. As long as it’s not malicious and not with bad intent. Yes, it’s really that simple. Sure, there are different circumstances and situations… but when it comes to your self… that’s when those boundaries kick in. That is when you step up and take care of you.

You can read self help books and see the words that people felt, but actually understanding the connection and feeling that true understanding and wisdom is up to you and takes work. That always frustrated me. I never got that. People would share their experiences and say this or that or give this advice or recommend this book and they were all just words to me until I went through the process. Until I tried, worked hard, (continuing to work hard), and pushed through the pain. I Allowed my mind to open and learn while accepting myself for everything I am, faults and all. That helped me understand all of those pieces are important and what make me. Where those pieces of advice go. This helps me focus on what I want to change and continue to work on.

I am learning to be good to myself. I’m just as important as anyone else, why in the world have I been pushing myself last for so long? Keeping my opinions to myself? Why is his opinion better or more important than mine? Why are her feelings more important than mine? I need to be strong for myself first and for most. True to myself. I deserve it.

I can’t tell you what a tremendous burden has been lifted now that I am beginning to understand all of these pieces and how they fit. The pieces are slowly starting to come together. Those words now mean action to me, helping me move positive changes into my life.

I am getting it.

Hello my old friend

More attention has been swarming around depression. I hope these discussions never stop. Unfortunately after the dust settles it seems people forget and move on. Until it happens again and again. “It” is another suicide in the headlines.

What is mind boggling for me is to see how much we lack proper mental health care help and opportunities in this country. I remember not too long ago a healthcare facility that I work with eliminated their mental health department in the hospital. Um, what?! And I remember getting the courage to ask where those potential patients will go that need to be there. The answer, jokingly of course, “Why, are you looking for where you’ll need to go?” Um, what? I nervously laughed it off and that was the end of that. Right there sums up the general reaction and feelings towards mental health care. Again, um WHAT?! I still wonder why they eliminated this care and where these patients are supposed to go. This is just a small example of a growing problem. Most of these homeless people I have seen in larger cities are in need of placement in a facility for mental health either for brief treatment and medication or permanent. It is so sad it breaks my heart. Jails and prisons are full of people that are in dire need of mental health care. We just locked them away and forget about it.

Ok, so we don’t have many places for people to go. The places and treatment options that are available, are they affordable? What do most people end up doing? They self medicate. Either knowingly or unknowingly. They do drugs or they drink more (or in my case eat, eat, eat more) than they should. What other option do they have to escape these horrible, debilitating feeling of darkness?

I recently started seeing a counselor again. I have a good job and I have insurance. This is still expensive for me. I would rather not have to give out this additional money that I could use to pay off other debts. Seriously. What do others do that make less than me and have little or no insurance? I am sure there are programs. Let’s advertise them more and talk about them more if there are. Let’s advertise the hell out of it so when someone feels darkness creeping up they know exactly where to turn and how.  Not knowing how or where to start is something that stops many. I know it has stopped me before.

Mental health is the real deal. It needs to be taken more seriously by society. Understood better. No more sweeping it under the rug expecting it to just go away. It is not a sign of weakness.

People handle it in many different ways. The biggest smiles often tend to hide the most hurt.







Health at Every Size…

A movement.

This has been intriguing me for awhile. I joined a private Facebook group that’s all about that. I had no idea what it was all about at that time, (still filling wrapping my head around it). I would see random postings from it appearing in my newsfeed. I didn’t fully understand it at first. Now I’m paying attention more and I plan on researching it lots. 

This moment is all about supporting people in adopting health habits for the sake of health and well-being. No focus on weight control. No diets, no obsessing or judging. They support each other on how to deal with a society where most people are trying to lose weight and obsess about every calorie, diets, pounds lost, etc. 

It’s all very positive and accepting. It’s hard to wrap my mind around it because my focus has always been about weight. About food. This is interesting. 

To be honest… confessions of a honest girl

Often times my place has been a disaster. So much so that I have to make sure no one drops by unexpectedly. 

I’ve canceled plans because of not feeling like I could get it all done before someone came over. It’s made me feel overwhelmed.

When it’s clean and organized I feel amazing. I have yet to keep it that way. 

I have very rarely had my entire place clean and organized at the same time. There’s always a room or closest or cubboard or drawer (all of these or a couple of these at once) that’s off limits hiding the stuff I don’t know what to do with or don’t feel like going through. Much like the Monica closet on friends. 😂

I feel like this an outward display of what’s going on with me inside. I’m busy hurrying up and hiding the parts that aren’t healed, instead of taking the time to heal those parts. That way I have nothing to hide from anyone.

I feel like my weight personally, is the same thing. Its a complex accumulation of things I’m not dealing with, don’t know how to deal with, or don’t even realize there are certain things need to be dealt with.

I am absolutely not trying to offend any one. These my own thoughts that I have had about my own self.

Back to organzing, cleaning, and throwing out things.

Day 28

Wednesday’s are bushleague

Le Sigh ~

Wednesday’s are not my favorite day of the week. There are usually too many meetings, but there’s always at least this particular one that is guaranteed to happen on Wednesday. It is a hour long, but it feels like 3 hours. Nothing good about it. On top of it, people are awful in general as normal. 

Feeling exhausted now. 

So I wanted to dive into food to soothe my woes, and I did, partially, I somewhat held myself back, so that was an improvement. Still a bit of a cheat day though. 

I’m spent.

24 days in.