Pieces of me

This song got stuck in my head after I named my blog. Gosh I loved jewel back in the day.

I am a true ambivalent, but heavy on the introvert.

There’s nothing more lovely than canceled plans and time alone. However, I find that I avoid and get out of plans so often, I end up feeling sorry for myself that no one is inviting me out. Even though 2 hours earlier I was invited somewhere and I said I was busy. What the actual @#!#, right? It’s a real struggle. When I do go out, I can certainly appear a bit outgoing. Then I am exhausted or fixating on every detail and worried I said or did something wrong, replaying it back in my head. It’s exhausting. As I type this out I see why I cancel and avoid plans. It’s a whole to do. I am exhausted just thinking about it. On top of it all, throw my anxiety in the mix, and it’s pretty special. By pretty special, I mean pretty exhausting. Pretty… something.

I feel like a super complex person. The more I try to figure myself out the more I seem to uncover.

Maybe this is needless to say, but even going to the gym or going out to lunch with friends can take a little time for me to talk myself into it. I am a bit better these days. A lot of things can still be a bit of a struggle. As you can see, this plays a part in why I’d rather be home.

Sometimes I wonder if I am too judge-y of people. I know full well none of us are perfect, not a one. Some of the things I judge on I have done or do. Does it make me feel better? I don’t think so. Do I think I am better? No. Are they hurting me personally with these actions? I don’t think so. Why do I think I need to judge? I have no idea.

 

I want to stop evaluating things so deeply. I want to not pick up on these things. I don’t want “gut feelings” about things anymore. I want to be blind and numb to these things. I think life would be easier.

OMG, and I care. I care hard. I feel hard. I feel other things people are going through. It makes me teary eyed easily. Or happy. I feel what they feel. I am a very empathetic person.

It’s all kind of exhausting.

 

 

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HAES

Health at Every Size…

A movement.

This has been intriguing me for awhile. I joined a private Facebook group that’s all about that. I had no idea what it was all about at that time, (still filling wrapping my head around it). I would see random postings from it appearing in my newsfeed. I didn’t fully understand it at first. Now I’m paying attention more and I plan on researching it lots. 

This moment is all about supporting people in adopting health habits for the sake of health and well-being. No focus on weight control. No diets, no obsessing or judging. They support each other on how to deal with a society where most people are trying to lose weight and obsess about every calorie, diets, pounds lost, etc. 

It’s all very positive and accepting. It’s hard to wrap my mind around it because my focus has always been about weight. About food. This is interesting. 

Something’s to self care 

At least 4 things that…

I’m thankful for

And 

Positive things about myself 

And to remember 

Today:

Fridays 

Another day to try harder

Clean water

Roof over my head

And 

I deserve respect

I’m important too 

My opinions matter

It’s ok to make mistakes, everyone does

And

Today is another chance at doing my best

I don’t have to tone down my true self

Not everyone will like you, and that’s ok

Don’t focus on the past, be in the present 

Thankful

I’ve been trying to remember to think about a few things I’m thankful for each morning and list them off to myself. One of the things on my list this morning is my dancing shih tzu. She is so adorable. When she’s excited, normally over food like her mama lol, she wiggles and whips around in a half circle or circles. Pure happiness, Lol. My other dog, he’s a mutt, my unique little man. He has the biggest, cutest ears that he can make stand straight up. He’s so cuddly. He has lots of love to give and he loves getting lots of love back. I really do have the sweetest puppies a girl could have. 

Of course I’m very thankful for other much bigger things Like, another day/another chance at life, and my health. But it’s fun and makes my heart feel full thinking of those other things that fill my life and have such a big place in my heart.

Summary

If pictures are worth a thousand words… how much are pictures with words worth?

Today, these pictures sum up where I came from, where I am, and where I want to be.

Day 13