Something’s to self care 

At least 4 things that…

I’m thankful for

And 

Positive things about myself 

And to remember 

Today:

Fridays 

Another day to try harder

Clean water

Roof over my head

And 

I deserve respect

I’m important too 

My opinions matter

It’s ok to make mistakes, everyone does

And

Today is another chance at doing my best

I don’t have to tone down my true self

Not everyone will like you, and that’s ok

Don’t focus on the past, be in the present 

Deep thoughts and struggling moments 

It still bothers me that people assume things and then continue to form their opinions and judgments on what they assume. Typically people don’t assume good intent. My last relationship was abusive. Mentally and at times it got physical. There was a lot going on in my mind. I know I had and still have a lot of things to work on, however I lost friendships because of that toxic relationship. I didn’t spend time with or had much contact with my friends or family. I generally don’t have much and haven’t had much contact with my family anyway, but that’s another story. I guess I should say I had even less contact with them.

Anyway, for some reason I’m most bothered by a specific person at the moment. I reached out to her awhile back as I began my healing from my last relationship and I apologized to her for pushing her away and not talking to her. I tried to explain what I could, but I didn’t, at that point, understand it all myself and I’m still learning. So how could I explain it to her? Anyway she didn’t seem to really get it and basically told me not to ever do that to her again. Then my ex and I were having contact again and things got unhealthy as usual, and I lost contact with her again a little. Basically I know I wasn’t a good friend, but I wasn’t in a good place. I have some friends that were and are always there for me no matter how far away they live and how often we talk. But not her. I guess I just need to move on and cut ties, but it bothers me. I’ll see her every now and then and the first time I saw her at a concert she wasn’t happy that I didn’t tell her I was going. Well she didn’t tell me she was going either. It’s just frustrating. It’s not the easiest to make friends in general for me and as I get older it’s even more difficult. I have a lot of friends where we’ve been friends for a very long time. I am fortune in that sense. 

I also tried to make peace with my ex boyfriend before the recent ex. Because him and I were just starting to work on a friendship and I allowed my toxic bf at the time to destroy every piece of that and seclude me. I regret that. And I tried to reach out and apologize for that too. But that failed and is failing too.

The effects of a toxic relationship lasts well after the the relationship is over. I think there’s a lot of pieces that just need to be left in the past in order to move on. I don’t think there’s away to pick up all the pieces and fix them. Perhaps that’s just part of the healing and growing…. painfully learning a lesson like losing friendships and such. 

As I mentioned, that toxic relationship brought many things to light for me. I realized there are reasons I allowed it and got caught up in it. I’m not by any means excusing the fact he should have never done or said the things he did to me, it was wrong. I am saying, as I try to understand why I stayed in a relationship like that for 2 years, it brought some things to light for me. Like my anxiety, depression, my past, my childhood, my dad, my brother, my mom, my sisters. There are many pieces to this healing thing and I’ve realized I need some guidance on how. I’ve decided to reach out to a counselor. This won’t be the first time that I have, but it’s been a long time. And I don’t recall any past attempts being very successful. 

This time I’m ready to put work into this, more so than I’ve ever done. I’m doing my homework and research on the things I can do to make it successful. 

Today is day 20 of my weight lost journey. Its super slow moving. I’ve been struggling mentally big time. I will not give up on trying. 

It gets heavy

I’m going to be completely honest, ever since I completely put my last relationship and contact with my ex in the past and behind me a couple months ago, I’ve been struggling. I lost some friendships and apparently, and well obviously to some, you can’t just snap you’re fingers and get that all back and make everything ok, happy, and smooth again. It’s been a struggle every step of the way. I was so low today I had the urge to contact him. I won’t. But this is when I’d used to give in, during these weak moments. He was always there for me. Mentally and physically abusive, but there for me. I am completely aware of how that sounds. My close friends don’t live near, the ones that do have full families, married and kids, I don’t have these things. I am not close with my family. We don’t call and talk on the phone. Any contact is because I initiate it. I literally have myself to depend on and that is all most of the time lately. I want to be strong, but let’s face it, some days are harder than others and it would be nice to be able to lean on someone to take some of the weight off.

I usually don’t feel this way, I can usually be hopeful and push through, but it’s hard sometimes. It gets heavy.

I lost one of my weight loss buddies. He apparently start dating someone, and lost interest in it/me? Which is weird. I never thought of us as more than anything other than friends.

My other weight loss buddy has been sick and busy with life.

Neither of these two have as much weight to lose as me.

Day 15 – I could have eaten better, but I did get out and move and walk and lift some weights.