Something’s to self care 

At least 4 things that…

I’m thankful for

And 

Positive things about myself 

And to remember 

Today:

Fridays 

Another day to try harder

Clean water

Roof over my head

And 

I deserve respect

I’m important too 

My opinions matter

It’s ok to make mistakes, everyone does

And

Today is another chance at doing my best

I don’t have to tone down my true self

Not everyone will like you, and that’s ok

Don’t focus on the past, be in the present 

3.2

Today marks day 7 and the official weigh in day. I am down 3.2 pounds. Cheat days and all! I know it won’t always be that way. It seems the more you need to lose the easier it comes off at first. Today was a massive cheat day. I started it out with pancakes and all kinds of other naughty things. Some homemade nachos where thrown in the mix today as well as some ice cream.

Some would say I was horrible. Some might say it happens, roll with it. Some might say try a little more discipline. Some of you are right. The struggle is real for me. Yes I could have done a better job of holding myself back today, but I am still learning. My inner voice is a smooth mother f#@%er right now. I talked myself right into not giving a F$%#. I am learning. I am being honest as I am journaling through it. I do realize things as I type them out sometimes. Listen, this losing weight thing is an entire process and I am going to learn all I can from it and grow as much as I can on the way.

In all honesty I haven’t had a clue how to do any of this the healthy way. It’s always been a struggle. If I wasn’t too busy feeling self conscious of myself and my body I was too busy restricting myself or doing all the wrong things to lose the weight. I’ve been skinny, but I didn’t get there by doing it the “right” way. I had an, I barely ate phase. I’ve had, a let’s purge my food phase. When I wasn’t doing those things I’d gain weight and be made fun of, even though it wasn’t much weight that I’d gain, I’d gain it fast. And those are just my late teen and early twenty years.

I’ve battled depression for almost all of my life. I’ve had bouts of depression where I didn’t leave my bedroom as a young teenager. You gain weight pretty fast when you don’t move.

Anyway, enough about all that. Now that I am able to be completely honest with myself, I think I can finally do this. I think that’s the first step. There’s a lot of things that I’ve been really real about this last year. It was a hard year. It was. I am thankful in away, for that bullsh!t toxic relationship that ended a year ago, because it really threw me into a whirlwind of self-improvement between then and now. I still have a long ways to go, but I am truly getting there.

Online dating, GTFO

Beginning of this year sometime, I decided to go back on dating sites. Not a single person really interested me. I felt very skeptical of anyone and everyone. I blocked more men than I can even begin to tell you. Why did I block them? It didn’t take much. Usually a bad vibe or something I considered a red flag. It was easier blocking them right away, as soon as I felt I wouldn’t be interested, because it was easier to make them think I simply disappeared. For all they knew I deleted my account. Basically it was easier than telling them I wasn’t interested or ignoring their desperate pleas. Speaking of desperate, omg seriously, so – many – desperate – men out there. If it was all of that, or if it was me deciding I wasn’t ready to go back out there, I am not sure which was a bigger factor… but I am now off of the dating sites. Not feeling it. Nope. Oh also the guys that want a one nighter… so many of those. Gross. Block.

Oh, I should mention there was one guy that did pique my interest. We talked for a little while and moved to text,  but then there were so many red flags. I am too nice and have always been that way. Being too nice to back out was no longer an option. I pulled my big girl pants up and told him straight up that I was not interested. I threw out there that I wasn’t ready.

Then there’s another guy. Oh… I bet you’re interested in the red flags. I can’t even begin to list them off and still walk away with my head held high after I am finished with this blog. So I won’t get into all that.

I don’t know what I am doing. So that tells me I am not ready to be doing it.

Anyway, 2nd guy. Still texting him. But that has pretty much fizzled out. There was a lot of caution tape on that one. Still is. I think he lost interest in me. Which brings me to the next obstacle for me…

My weight.

I am real and upfront about it. Learning how to be anyway. Of course we all want to put our best selves out there for the best possible first impression. I often feel my pictures are too good or fool them. So I overcompensate if you will, in a way, by making it very clear that I am quite curvaceous. The my booty aint no joke. I think I overdo it, where it makes them feel I am self conscious, that I don’t like myself. I just don’t want that dreaded moment when we meet that they are let down. So maybe I am self conscious. Or maybe I am bitter and assume all will judge me.

See, I am not ready.

Ya, the right person won’t care about my weight. Ya, the right person will love me for who I am. Ya Ya Ya. I know. I get that.

My ex was oh so, so such a bad person for me. To me. That I am hyperaware of everyone. But again, too bitter? Too worried? Too much luggage? Too picky?

This is hard.

I am not ready. I hope I am ready one day. But I know it’s not today.