My ex… as he found out my weaknesses, would used them all against me. It was the worst feeling in the world loving someone that would do that. I saw this on Facebook and it spawned some flashbacks. Thankful it’s in my past and that I’m learning from it.
It still bothers me that people assume things and then continue to form their opinions and judgments on what they assume. Typically people don’t assume good intent. My last relationship was abusive. Mentally and at times it got physical. There was a lot going on in my mind. I know I had and still have a lot of things to work on, however I lost friendships because of that toxic relationship. I didn’t spend time with or had much contact with my friends or family. I generally don’t have much and haven’t had much contact with my family anyway, but that’s another story. I guess I should say I had even less contact with them.
Anyway, for some reason I’m most bothered by a specific person at the moment. I reached out to her awhile back as I began my healing from my last relationship and I apologized to her for pushing her away and not talking to her. I tried to explain what I could, but I didn’t, at that point, understand it all myself and I’m still learning. So how could I explain it to her? Anyway she didn’t seem to really get it and basically told me not to ever do that to her again. Then my ex and I were having contact again and things got unhealthy as usual, and I lost contact with her again a little. Basically I know I wasn’t a good friend, but I wasn’t in a good place. I have some friends that were and are always there for me no matter how far away they live and how often we talk. But not her. I guess I just need to move on and cut ties, but it bothers me. I’ll see her every now and then and the first time I saw her at a concert she wasn’t happy that I didn’t tell her I was going. Well she didn’t tell me she was going either. It’s just frustrating. It’s not the easiest to make friends in general for me and as I get older it’s even more difficult. I have a lot of friends where we’ve been friends for a very long time. I am fortune in that sense.
I also tried to make peace with my ex boyfriend before the recent ex. Because him and I were just starting to work on a friendship and I allowed my toxic bf at the time to destroy every piece of that and seclude me. I regret that. And I tried to reach out and apologize for that too. But that failed and is failing too.
The effects of a toxic relationship lasts well after the the relationship is over. I think there’s a lot of pieces that just need to be left in the past in order to move on. I don’t think there’s away to pick up all the pieces and fix them. Perhaps that’s just part of the healing and growing…. painfully learning a lesson like losing friendships and such.
As I mentioned, that toxic relationship brought many things to light for me. I realized there are reasons I allowed it and got caught up in it. I’m not by any means excusing the fact he should have never done or said the things he did to me, it was wrong. I am saying, as I try to understand why I stayed in a relationship like that for 2 years, it brought some things to light for me. Like my anxiety, depression, my past, my childhood, my dad, my brother, my mom, my sisters. There are many pieces to this healing thing and I’ve realized I need some guidance on how. I’ve decided to reach out to a counselor. This won’t be the first time that I have, but it’s been a long time. And I don’t recall any past attempts being very successful.
This time I’m ready to put work into this, more so than I’ve ever done. I’m doing my homework and research on the things I can do to make it successful.
Today is day 20 of my weight lost journey. Its super slow moving. I’ve been struggling mentally big time. I will not give up on trying.
Today marks day 7 and the official weigh in day. I am down 3.2 pounds. Cheat days and all! I know it won’t always be that way. It seems the more you need to lose the easier it comes off at first. Today was a massive cheat day. I started it out with pancakes and all kinds of other naughty things. Some homemade nachos where thrown in the mix today as well as some ice cream.
Some would say I was horrible. Some might say it happens, roll with it. Some might say try a little more discipline. Some of you are right. The struggle is real for me. Yes I could have done a better job of holding myself back today, but I am still learning. My inner voice is a smooth mother f#@%er right now. I talked myself right into not giving a F$%#. I am learning. I am being honest as I am journaling through it. I do realize things as I type them out sometimes. Listen, this losing weight thing is an entire process and I am going to learn all I can from it and grow as much as I can on the way.
In all honesty I haven’t had a clue how to do any of this the healthy way. It’s always been a struggle. If I wasn’t too busy feeling self conscious of myself and my body I was too busy restricting myself or doing all the wrong things to lose the weight. I’ve been skinny, but I didn’t get there by doing it the “right” way. I had an, I barely ate phase. I’ve had, a let’s purge my food phase. When I wasn’t doing those things I’d gain weight and be made fun of, even though it wasn’t much weight that I’d gain, I’d gain it fast. And those are just my late teen and early twenty years.
I’ve battled depression for almost all of my life. I’ve had bouts of depression where I didn’t leave my bedroom as a young teenager. You gain weight pretty fast when you don’t move.
Anyway, enough about all that. Now that I am able to be completely honest with myself, I think I can finally do this. I think that’s the first step. There’s a lot of things that I’ve been really real about this last year. It was a hard year. It was. I am thankful in away, for that bullsh!t toxic relationship that ended a year ago, because it really threw me into a whirlwind of self-improvement between then and now. I still have a long ways to go, but I am truly getting there.
I originally started this blog about 8 months ago. I have since deleted all of those original posts. In looking back I am not sure why I decided to do that. It was an important part of my healing and growing process. I feel a tinge of regret for doing that. Perhaps part of me was pushing to move on and instead of starting a new chapter in life, I was pushing to start a new book.
To sum it up briefly, I had just gotten out of a horrible relationship when I started this blog. Let’s just say I started to research and learn a whole lot about toxic relationships, narcissism, gas-lighting, love bombing, mental abuse and physical abuse.
There was a lot of WHYs. HOWs. Why did I let this happen? How did I let it happen? How do I fix it? Why did I stay for so long? How do I learn from this? How do I grow and heal? Why does it take so long to learn? Why does it feel like I am so alone? Why does it seem no one fully understands?
One of the things I learned early on is that I could not obsessively worry about it or research about it. At first I thought researching and learning about it was exactly what I needed to do in order to learn and grow. I could not wrap my head around a true narcissist. This is what my ex is. And he will never change. He does not want to change nor does he see a need to change. He sees nothing wrong with anything he does. I have given him so many chances and tried so many times. Nothing ever changes. And that’s when I decided I had to just let it all go.
It’s not easy. It’s not easy to turn your back completely on someone you love and will always love. I realize I have to move on and let it all go so I can truly go on with my life.
“It’s been said that we really only fall in love with three people in our lifetime.
Yet, it’s also believed that we need each of these loves for a different reason.
~It’s true. Philosophers and mystics have raved on for centuries about why we need 3 different lovers. Each one serves a different purpose and there’s no guarantee that all of us will make it to number three.
Often our first is when we are young, in high school even. It’s the idealistic love—the one that seems like the fairytales we read as children. (Check)
This is the love that appeals to what we should be doing for society’s sake—and probably our families. We enter into it with the belief that this will be our only love and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t feel quite right, or if we find ourselves having to swallow down our personal truths to make it work because deep down we believe that this is what love is supposed to be.
Because in this type of love, how others view us is more important than how we actually feel.
It’s a love that looks right.
The second is supposed to be our hard love—the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation. (CHECK!)
We think we are making different choices than our first, but in reality we are still making choices out of the need to learn lessons—but we hang on. Our second love can become a cycle, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before.
Sometimes it’s unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even. There may be emotional, mental or even physical abuse or manipulation—most likely there will be high levels of drama. This is exactly what keeps us addicted to this storyline, because it’s the emotional rollercoaster of extreme highs and lows and like a junkie trying to get a fix, we stick through the lows with the expectation of the high.
With this kind of love, trying to make it work becomes more important than whether it actually should.
It’s the love that we wished was right.
And the third is the love we never see coming. The one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It’s the kind where the connection can’t be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it. (Ready!)
This is the love where we come together with someone and it just fits—there aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are.
We are just simply accepted for who we are already—and it shakes to our core.
It isn’t what we envisioned our love would look like, nor does it abide by the rules that we had hoped to play it safe by. But still it shatters our preconceived notions and shows us that love doesn’t have to be how we thought in order to be true.
This is the love that keeps knocking on our door regardless of how long it takes us to answer.
It’s the love that just feels right.
Maybe we don’t all experience these loves in this lifetime, but perhaps that’s just because we aren’t ready to. Maybe the reality is we need to truly learn what love isn’t before we can grasp what it is.
Possibly we need a whole lifetime to learn each lesson, or maybe, if we’re lucky, it only takes a few years.
Perhaps it’s not about if we are ever ready for love, but if love is ready for us.
And then there may be those people who fall in love once and find it passionately lasts until their last breath. Those faded and worn pictures of our grandparents who seemed just as in love as they walked hand-in-hand at age 80 as they did in their wedding picture—the kind that leaves us wondering if we really know how to love at all.
Someone once told me they are the lucky ones, and perhaps they are.
But I kinda think that those who make it to their third love are really the lucky ones.
They are the ones who are tired of having to try and whose broken hearts lay beating in front of them wondering if there is just something inherently wrong with how they love.
But there’s not; it’s just a matter of if their partner loves in the same way they do or not.
Just because it has never worked out before doesn’t mean that it won’t work out now.
What it really comes down to is if we are limited by how we love, or instead love without limits. We can all choose to stay with our first love, the one that looks good and will make everyone else happy. We can choose to stay with our second under the belief that if we don’t have to fight for it, then it’s not worth having—or we can make the choice to believe in the third love.
The one that feels like home without any rationale; the love that isn’t like a storm—but rather the quiet peace of the night after.
And maybe there’s something special about our first love, and something heartbreakingly unique about our second…but there’s also just something pretty amazing about our third.
The one we never see coming.
The one that actually lasts.
The one that shows us why it never worked out before.
And it’s that possibility that makes trying again always worthwhile, because the truth is you never know when you’ll stumble into love.”
“You found parts of me I didn’t know existed and in you I found a love I no longer believed was real.” ~ Unknown
Looking back I have only really truly loved 2 people. There are a couple that I’ve cared deeply about. Or loved our life together. But really thinking about it all and being true to myself, I really haven’t loved all of the ex’s that I have said, “I love you” to.