3.2

Today marks day 7 and the official weigh in day. I am down 3.2 pounds. Cheat days and all! I know it won’t always be that way. It seems the more you need to lose the easier it comes off at first. Today was a massive cheat day. I started it out with pancakes and all kinds of other naughty things. Some homemade nachos where thrown in the mix today as well as some ice cream.

Some would say I was horrible. Some might say it happens, roll with it. Some might say try a little more discipline. Some of you are right. The struggle is real for me. Yes I could have done a better job of holding myself back today, but I am still learning. My inner voice is a smooth mother f#@%er right now. I talked myself right into not giving a F$%#. I am learning. I am being honest as I am journaling through it. I do realize things as I type them out sometimes. Listen, this losing weight thing is an entire process and I am going to learn all I can from it and grow as much as I can on the way.

In all honesty I haven’t had a clue how to do any of this the healthy way. It’s always been a struggle. If I wasn’t too busy feeling self conscious of myself and my body I was too busy restricting myself or doing all the wrong things to lose the weight. I’ve been skinny, but I didn’t get there by doing it the “right” way. I had an, I barely ate phase. I’ve had, a let’s purge my food phase. When I wasn’t doing those things I’d gain weight and be made fun of, even though it wasn’t much weight that I’d gain, I’d gain it fast. And those are just my late teen and early twenty years.

I’ve battled depression for almost all of my life. I’ve had bouts of depression where I didn’t leave my bedroom as a young teenager. You gain weight pretty fast when you don’t move.

Anyway, enough about all that. Now that I am able to be completely honest with myself, I think I can finally do this. I think that’s the first step. There’s a lot of things that I’ve been really real about this last year. It was a hard year. It was. I am thankful in away, for that bullsh!t toxic relationship that ended a year ago, because it really threw me into a whirlwind of self-improvement between then and now. I still have a long ways to go, but I am truly getting there.

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Little Girl Blue

  • Wear shorts comfortably.
  • Look at my reflection in the mirror without seeing a tummy flab.

These are two of the things I am most excited about when I hit my goal weight. It seems vain now that I type it out. The most important reason to want to be fit should be to be healthy. Don’t get me wrong, big can beautiful. All shapes and sizes are beautiful. I’m not just saying that either. People with true love for themselves can bring it. Being proud of who you are is an amazing and sexy thing. I am not those things. I’ve often been depressed. Which in turn makes me feel like not doing anything other than eating, laying around, and watching TV.

< – Depressed – Tired – Low Energy – Anxiety – Sad – Loneliness – Bad Food Choices – More Bad Food Choices – Continued Bad Food Choices – Increased Cravings for Bad Food Choices – Weight Gain – FRUSTRATION – More Depressed – Agitated – Crabby – Irritable – > Drink A Little More Than Usual -> Crave Even More Bad Food ->

This is a cycle I get wrapped up in constantly. Eventually I see the “light”, in a sense; start pulling myself out of the hole of despair and start to slowly see the realization that I need to make better choices to get on a better path.

<- Start Exercising – Drink More Water – Stop Eating Fast Food – Stop Eating Processed Foods – Pick Up More Organic Food – Lowering Carb Intake – Sleeping More -Thinking Positive Thoughts – Reducing Stress – Start Feeling Better – Start Losing Weight – Start Feeling Even Better -> Treat Myself With Kindness -> More Positive Thoughts ->

And then…  it happens all over again. Deep depression for about 1 solid day. Pull myself out of that, and then…

< – Depressed – Tired – Low Energy – Anxiety – Sad – Loneliness – Bad Food Choices – More Bad Food Choices – Continued Bad Food Choices – Increased Cravings for Bad Food Choices – Weight Gain – FRUSTRATION – More Depressed – Agitated – Crabby – Irritable – >

I’ve been growing more aware of this cycle as I get older. I am not sure if these symptoms have gotten worse with age or if I am more aware. I’ve been bad at taking care of myself up until lately. Mentally and Physically.

There’s a WHOLE lot of healing and learning that’s been going on in this 2016.

Where am I at this moment in those crazy cycles that I explained above?

Almost the good one… trying by:

  • Currently exercising again
  • Drinking more water
  • Trying to get more sleep (I was struggling with that all last week. I was getting 4 hours tops, a night. I slept amazing last night though, 8 hours!)
  • Thinking good things
  • Feeling good vibes
  • Staying positive

… Oh and listening to some good music 😉