WHEW! What… a… day.

I did not sleep well.

Nothing worked right today.

People were mean.

I want to go hide under all my comfy blankets and dive under my pillows.



Pieces of me

This song got stuck in my head after I named my blog. Gosh I loved jewel back in the day.

I am a true ambivalent, but heavy on the introvert.

There’s nothing more lovely than canceled plans and time alone. However, I find that I avoid and get out of plans so often, I end up feeling sorry for myself that no one is inviting me out. Even though 2 hours earlier I was invited somewhere and I said I was busy. What the actual @#!#, right? It’s a real struggle. When I do go out, I can certainly appear a bit outgoing. Then I am exhausted or fixating on every detail and worried I said or did something wrong, replaying it back in my head. It’s exhausting. As I type this out I see why I cancel and avoid plans. It’s a whole to do. I am exhausted just thinking about it. On top of it all, throw my anxiety in the mix, and it’s pretty special. By pretty special, I mean pretty exhausting. Pretty… something.

I feel like a super complex person. The more I try to figure myself out the more I seem to uncover.

Maybe this is needless to say, but even going to the gym or going out to lunch with friends can take a little time for me to talk myself into it. I am a bit better these days. A lot of things can still be a bit of a struggle. As you can see, this plays a part in why I’d rather be home.

Sometimes I wonder if I am too judge-y of people. I know full well none of us are perfect, not a one. Some of the things I judge on I have done or do. Does it make me feel better? I don’t think so. Do I think I am better? No. Are they hurting me personally with these actions? I don’t think so. Why do I think I need to judge? I have no idea.


I want to stop evaluating things so deeply. I want to not pick up on these things. I don’t want “gut feelings” about things anymore. I want to be blind and numb to these things. I think life would be easier.

OMG, and I care. I care hard. I feel hard. I feel other things people are going through. It makes me teary eyed easily. Or happy. I feel what they feel. I am a very empathetic person.

It’s all kind of exhausting.



Random AF… welcome to my brain

I hardly did anything today. I guess it’s just one of those days. Instead of feeling guilty, I will let it go. Instead of being mad at myself, I will be understanding. Instead of thinking about how lazy I am, I will forgive myself for not wanting to do anything today. I think I want to try to be kinder to myself. Much like I’d be with a friend. Instead of my own worst enemy and my own worst critic. I think I will try to be more patient and more understanding.

So ya, I’m having one of those days.

Some things that I did do:

Read a lot and did a lot of research on obesity.

Ate a healthy breakfast.

Ate a healthy lunch.

Made a healthier snack/dessert option.

Why did I research obesity? You may be curious. Well, honestly, this weight thing has been getting me down. I have been trying to kick it’s ass for awhile, but it always ends up kicking mine. It’s frustrating. No, it’s beyond frustrating! So, I figured I will just throw myself into as much knowledge as possible about it until something clicks or something works for me. When I get all these pieces and place them where there need to be, maybe that is what I need. Then maybe one day I can help someone else that feels this way.

I was a skinny kid. Depression and anxiety introduced their nastiness to me when I was 14, (anxiety crept in a littler earlier and got heavier as time went on). Introduced themselves hard. I remember I packed on a little weight around the time I wouldn’t leave the house for weeks. Enough for those sweet girls in my class to tease me about it when I finally went back to school. I think I weighed 145 pounds? Oh to weigh 145 pounds again! I think I got up to 155 at one point, not sure. Then around the age of 20 I got down to 135. I was that weight about 2-3 years and then the extra weight slowly crept on. I think by the age of 25 I got up to 190. Got down to 175 at one point for a bit. Then got back up to 190 for awhile. 230 was my next “average weight” for awhile. Now I go between 275 and 255, it’s been that way for the last 3 years. I don’t want it to EVER creep past 275. I am at 265 now. I so badly want to see that scale go down, down, down. I picked 199 for my first goal weight. I want to be 199 so very badly. I would be under 200 pounds for the first time in 5 years! If I can go beyond 199 at some point and time, great. That’s not for me to worry about right now. I want to hit my goal of 199 first. I have been struggling for so long that it feels like this glorious piece of  beautiful warm sunshine that I keep getting further and further away from.

So, back to my point on why I’ve been submerging myself into learning about obesity. Let’s back up for a second again… only very recently have I admitted to myself that I have an actual problem. That I can’t stop overeating. That I am not at a healthy weight. Like, I have really been working on being truly honest with myself. What is that honesty? I am miserable. I don’t want to travel in planes. I don’t want to go places with my skinny friends. I am tired of forcing myself to rise above all the negativity and just accept myself. Because for me personally, this is not where I want to be, and it’s all exhausting to pretend. It’s a struggle every single day and it kicks my ass. I have to hide that. So that I can smile and appear OK. I am tired.

A lot of times in my life I worry about speaking my truth. I dont’t want to offend or make people upset. I realized though, and I want to draw the point home that this is my journey, my life, my honesty, and my truth.

I watched a documentary last night, well some of it. It was pretty hardcore. I had to not look a lot of the time because I cannot handle the sight of someone getting a shot, let alone getting cut open. The documentary had some good insights and other pieces that made it worth watching to me. Knowing the actual extent of the things that obesity does to your body is a good eye opening experience.

Obesity: The Postmortem. On Netflix.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you, if you do decide to watch it. I mean, yes we know being overweight isn’t healthy. We know we don’t choose this. We know some people that are struggling harder than others for other reasons. I think it’s important to know the truth. About the damage it causes. Both mentally and physically, and that’s the tricky part! Sometimes the mental part causes the physical part. We need to realize that it’s something we need to help people with, not just look away and accept it as the new normal. Yes, we are all beautiful. Each and every one of us. But the fact of the matter is, it’s not healthy.

I am also diving into and gathering information on healthy food and the benefits of healthy foods. This is my other tacit on getting myself off this overeating business. Yes, we know veggies, fruit, proteins, organic foods are healthy. Yes, we know process food is bad and lots of sugar is bad. Then that’s the extent of where most people let their minds go. When they slip and go back into old bad habits, it’s like, “oh well”. But when you start to realize just how damaging it all is, it takes it to a different level.

I want to get myself healed. I want to get myself to the point of using foods for  health. I want to use it for healing. Eat food for it’s nourishment and ability to cure. Instead of the way I am and have been using it, which has been damaging on many levels.



To be honest… confessions of a honest girl

Often times my place has been a disaster. So much so that I have to make sure no one drops by unexpectedly. 

I’ve canceled plans because of not feeling like I could get it all done before someone came over. It’s made me feel overwhelmed.

When it’s clean and organized I feel amazing. I have yet to keep it that way. 

I have very rarely had my entire place clean and organized at the same time. There’s always a room or closest or cubboard or drawer (all of these or a couple of these at once) that’s off limits hiding the stuff I don’t know what to do with or don’t feel like going through. Much like the Monica closet on friends. 😂

I feel like this an outward display of what’s going on with me inside. I’m busy hurrying up and hiding the parts that aren’t healed, instead of taking the time to heal those parts. That way I have nothing to hide from anyone.

I feel like my weight personally, is the same thing. Its a complex accumulation of things I’m not dealing with, don’t know how to deal with, or don’t even realize there are certain things need to be dealt with.

I am absolutely not trying to offend any one. These my own thoughts that I have had about my own self.

Back to organzing, cleaning, and throwing out things.

Day 28


Day 19

Happy Friday!

I am taking a nap!

B: Smoothie and breakfast sausage

L: Jimmy Johns Sub (bread AND mayo 😦 ) And  a HUUGE pickle

D: Sausage

S: Dark chocolate chips


It gets heavy

I’m going to be completely honest, ever since I completely put my last relationship and contact with my ex in the past and behind me a couple months ago, I’ve been struggling. I lost some friendships and apparently, and well obviously to some, you can’t just snap you’re fingers and get that all back and make everything ok, happy, and smooth again. It’s been a struggle every step of the way. I was so low today I had the urge to contact him. I won’t. But this is when I’d used to give in, during these weak moments. He was always there for me. Mentally and physically abusive, but there for me. I am completely aware of how that sounds. My close friends don’t live near, the ones that do have full families, married and kids, I don’t have these things. I am not close with my family. We don’t call and talk on the phone. Any contact is because I initiate it. I literally have myself to depend on and that is all most of the time lately. I want to be strong, but let’s face it, some days are harder than others and it would be nice to be able to lean on someone to take some of the weight off.

I usually don’t feel this way, I can usually be hopeful and push through, but it’s hard sometimes. It gets heavy.

I lost one of my weight loss buddies. He apparently start dating someone, and lost interest in it/me? Which is weird. I never thought of us as more than anything other than friends.

My other weight loss buddy has been sick and busy with life.

Neither of these two have as much weight to lose as me.

Day 15 – I could have eaten better, but I did get out and move and walk and lift some weights.



If pictures are worth a thousand words… how much are pictures with words worth?

Today, these pictures sum up where I came from, where I am, and where I want to be.

Day 13

Wine-O Clock

Today was much better. I think 12 hours of sleep might have something to do that with that possibly. Plus, I am secretly ecstatic that my plans got canceled this evening. I am staying in all night, I put on comfy clothes, and I’m allowing myself some red wine/the bottle.

Today I ate pretty decently.

Ok, back to relaxing. Happy weekend everyone! (Even though I have to work tomorrow).


Wednesday :( Day 10

Man, work makes a girl crabby some days. Like today. Truth be told I have felt out of it all day. It just went downhill pretty quickly after a particular weekly meeting. The people in that meeting are difficult. I pick up on some bad vibes and just blah. It’s a tough one.

And then Stella was back at her tricks today. Told me and a group of people, that the idea we have to go back to is the one she suggested. Nope, it wasn’t. I corrected it in a nice way. But seriously, I think this chick is delusional. She believes these ideas and statements were her own even though I said them. People are weird. When a day sucks, dealing with this weird shit is just too much, when normally I can overlook it.

I didn’t walk much. I ate kind of OK, not the best.

Breakfast: 2 sausage with egg on flatbread from Dunkin Donuts

Lunch: half stack of ribs from Dickey’s Barbecue (no sauce) and some green beans (didn’t eat them all, wasn’t that great, I am not a fan)

Dinner: I forget the brand, but 2 diet small pizza microwave things

Snack: Natural Peanut Peanut and Dark Chocolate

I need to get my ass outside for a walk.

OK… here I go!