To be honest… confessions of a honest girl

Often times my place has been a disaster. So much so that I have to make sure no one drops by unexpectedly. 

I’ve canceled plans because of not feeling like I could get it all done before someone came over. It’s made me feel overwhelmed.

When it’s clean and organized I feel amazing. I have yet to keep it that way. 

I have very rarely had my entire place clean and organized at the same time. There’s always a room or closest or cubboard or drawer (all of these or a couple of these at once) that’s off limits hiding the stuff I don’t know what to do with or don’t feel like going through. Much like the Monica closet on friends. 😂

I feel like this an outward display of what’s going on with me inside. I’m busy hurrying up and hiding the parts that aren’t healed, instead of taking the time to heal those parts. That way I have nothing to hide from anyone.

I feel like my weight personally, is the same thing. Its a complex accumulation of things I’m not dealing with, don’t know how to deal with, or don’t even realize there are certain things need to be dealt with.

I am absolutely not trying to offend any one. These my own thoughts that I have had about my own self.

Back to organzing, cleaning, and throwing out things.

Day 28

It gets heavy

I’m going to be completely honest, ever since I completely put my last relationship and contact with my ex in the past and behind me a couple months ago, I’ve been struggling. I lost some friendships and apparently, and well obviously to some, you can’t just snap you’re fingers and get that all back and make everything ok, happy, and smooth again. It’s been a struggle every step of the way. I was so low today I had the urge to contact him. I won’t. But this is when I’d used to give in, during these weak moments. He was always there for me. Mentally and physically abusive, but there for me. I am completely aware of how that sounds. My close friends don’t live near, the ones that do have full families, married and kids, I don’t have these things. I am not close with my family. We don’t call and talk on the phone. Any contact is because I initiate it. I literally have myself to depend on and that is all most of the time lately. I want to be strong, but let’s face it, some days are harder than others and it would be nice to be able to lean on someone to take some of the weight off.

I usually don’t feel this way, I can usually be hopeful and push through, but it’s hard sometimes. It gets heavy.

I lost one of my weight loss buddies. He apparently start dating someone, and lost interest in it/me? Which is weird. I never thought of us as more than anything other than friends.

My other weight loss buddy has been sick and busy with life.

Neither of these two have as much weight to lose as me.

Day 15 – I could have eaten better, but I did get out and move and walk and lift some weights.

 

Wine-O Clock

Today was much better. I think 12 hours of sleep might have something to do that with that possibly. Plus, I am secretly ecstatic that my plans got canceled this evening. I am staying in all night, I put on comfy clothes, and I’m allowing myself some red wine/the bottle.

Today I ate pretty decently.

Ok, back to relaxing. Happy weekend everyone! (Even though I have to work tomorrow).

🙂

Wednesday :( Day 10

Man, work makes a girl crabby some days. Like today. Truth be told I have felt out of it all day. It just went downhill pretty quickly after a particular weekly meeting. The people in that meeting are difficult. I pick up on some bad vibes and just blah. It’s a tough one.

And then Stella was back at her tricks today. Told me and a group of people, that the idea we have to go back to is the one she suggested. Nope, it wasn’t. I corrected it in a nice way. But seriously, I think this chick is delusional. She believes these ideas and statements were her own even though I said them. People are weird. When a day sucks, dealing with this weird shit is just too much, when normally I can overlook it.

I didn’t walk much. I ate kind of OK, not the best.

Breakfast: 2 sausage with egg on flatbread from Dunkin Donuts

Lunch: half stack of ribs from Dickey’s Barbecue (no sauce) and some green beans (didn’t eat them all, wasn’t that great, I am not a fan)

Dinner: I forget the brand, but 2 diet small pizza microwave things

Snack: Natural Peanut Peanut and Dark Chocolate

I need to get my ass outside for a walk.

OK… here I go!